In a conversation with M

Of long distance flights and other adventures

2012-02-06T04:34:00.000+01:00

So Air India, international flights, not too great. But their big advantage is being able to land in India at a decent hour and not in the middle of the night. Can I ignore the headphones console that didn't work and a very Indian meal service? Sure. I got to kill a couple of hours at the Delhi airport, which is basically a huge mall, and planes also take off every once in a while, in a very, by the way, yeah, we're an airport too, aren't we awesome, kind of way. So not too bad overall.

My most entertaining part of the flight was my neighbor. The woman was taking an international flight for the first time and exclaimed with delight every time something nice happened. E.g. not having to pay for drinks or food. To be fair, there are international carriers (American Airlines, United, etc.) who do make you pay for alcohol, the cheap bastards. A very large part of my duties as the bridge between India and France (yes, I fulfill this role outside of the office too) was acting as a translator between the stewardess and this woman. Air India woman with a thick Indian accent and French woman from Perpignan do not make for natural conversationalists. So after many misunderstood sentences, they didn't even try to speak to each other directly. At the end of the flight I was in a very strange situation of getting off the flight into Delhi, my brain still conjugating French verbs. Try switching to Hindi after that. I think the fuses blew for a second.

Perpignan lady was very much salt of the earth variety. The plane was 90% occupied by backpackers (cliche much?) and 5% French people in their retirement travelling to discover the mysticism of India (where are the normal people?). So when the latter were being very exuberantly happy post their 2 free glasses of Indian whiskey (trust Air India to carry that), Perpignan lady got all indignant and started muttering about how she was trying to sleep and they were being rude. Through my sleep addled haze, I think I even remember her shushing the lot, in a very school head mistress kind of way. Quite funny.

Would I continue to take Air India? Probably not. I'd rather accumulate miles on AF. But it's good to mix things up a bit every so often.

I have officially arrived

2012-02-01T11:46:00.002+01:00

So the past couple of days have been fairly momentous in the career scheme of things. I made my first solo presentation in French. I can't say the language was perfect but I appear to have communicated my point clearly and people understood the ABCs of investing in India, so object achieved. That was followed by B2B meetings and I have now lost my voice from speaking in French all day. I never realized how exhausting it is to speak in a language that is not your own. Hats off to you non-native English speakers. I have new found respect for your abilities. Of course, the out of town excursion took me to this quarter horse town (because calling it a one horse town would be giving it too much credit) called Valenciennes. Unless you have work there, it is entirely avoidable.

I have also been given seniority status in the firm. This equals a bump in pay. Yay! Now if we just fire the Princess, life would truly be perfect.

The only thing that needs a bit of management is my staring at the phone for a call that's never going to happen. Kill me now. When did I turn back into a 14 year old?

The assistant from hell

2012-01-25T16:25:00.002+01:00

Yes, remember her? She's back from maternity leave and what little brain cells she had, have been addled by hormones. What does that mean? Hightened blood pressure levels for us all. In the 5 months she's been away, not only has she forgotten how our team has functioned over the past 2 years but she's actually got no comprehension of what she's getting wrong. I cannot, for the life of me, look into those blank eyes and explain how reimbursement receipts work. I'm so livid, I'm shaking as I write this. Thank heavens she's going to get fired soon! She's bad for team health!

It's only

2012-01-23T16:54:00.001+01:00

very confusing. That's the status of my life right now. Confused. Sort of like high school, just without the awkwardness. Well maybe a bit of the awkwardness.

Expatism and other realities

2012-01-17T16:33:00.001+01:00

So a close friend of mine here, is moving cities soon. Primarily because her new job is situated there and it pays a lot better than her options here. So while Paris is Paris, if you can live comfortably elsewhere, where the standard of living is better and the job is more exciting, why wouldn't anyone jump at it?

Constant movement is a way of life for me. But what has finally hit me is the transient nature of the expat life, or the life of anyone who lives anywhere that isn't home. As newcomers to any city, we tend to gravitate to others going through the same experience or locals who will relate to us, which very often means people who move too. And therefore, a constant change in our social landscape is inevitable.

In the last year alone I have come to call strangers good friends and good friends have gone on to other things in other parts of the world. It's not so much an issue for me because, thankfully, I can make friends fairly easily (a far cry from the 7 year old me who refused to play with other kids). I suppose it's par for the course having international friends. But the little part of me craving a bit of stability (yeah, I know, I'm getting old) is tired of having to start from scratch with new people and it would be nice if some people stayed put.

But that said, the big advantage with friends scattered all over the world? A couch to sleep on when I visit.

Why

2012-01-06T10:35:00.000+01:00

when you outgrow a friend, is it so difficult for them to understand that there is no conversation left to be had? Cut your losses and get on with it. Not everyone is meant to be a friend forever.
do creepy people behave like LinkedIn is a social networking site? It's not. It's also resulted in my deleting the picture I have on my profile. Google searches will be made that much more difficult for people I have no desire to be in contact with.
when girls get together, are conversation topics limited to dating, shopping or job angst? Surely there are other dimensions to explore. Politics, extra-terrestrial life, David Sedaris. These are all acceptable subjects too.
is the week right after all the festivities of the previous year the most difficult to get through? It's like there's no bright spot left in the year.
when I've just made the decision to eat more healthy, is the Internet raining baking recipes? Or is my sub-conscience trying to tell me something here? It's been on overdrive for a lot of other things.
hasn't Princess decided to quit her job so we can hire someone more efficient? Is the whole maternal instinct thing a hoax (as I suspect it to be)?
must my mother decide to restart the match-making endeavours? It's like I'm talking to a wall.
is it so impossible to spend time with any of the marrieds without having their respective spouses feeling the need to mark their territory? We all knew each other before these fellows came along.

There's more to follow.

Unreal goals

2012-01-05T18:56:00.001+01:00

So, in a depressingly girly fashion, part of my new year is about losing the 2 kilos everyone claims I don't have but I know lurk around my Indian shape. And also, hospital weighing scales don't lie. My total undoing has always been chocolate. However, in my annual attempt to get healthy again, my kitchen and fridge have officially been rid of all carbs, sugars and fats. I'm loading up on fruits when the dessert attack hits and drinking green tea in an attempt to dilute my hunger pangs (which I mostly blame on winter).

I also have really grand ambitions of exercising, which so far has been quite pathetically limited to climbing stairs everywhere. Left to myself, I will be quite lazily content until a wave of self loathing hits me during the sale season. The idea is to avoid that.

I know I tried this once before and it resulted in this. Apparently even public scrutiny can't get me to work out. So now I'm hunting around for an exercise buddy - someone who'll kick my behind for not getting with the program. Unfortunately, everyone I know here also falls into my category of laziness. And here I am trying to get healthy. The universe is conspiring against me.

Must find another way.

PS - Yes, it is really easy to blame everything on the universe. Saves having to be accountable for anything.

No animals with eyelashes

2012-01-03T18:40:00.000+01:00

For the longest time, I didn't eat red meat because I followed a simple rule - no animals with eyelashes. So no lamb, beef, pork, you name it. Not because I have any particular affinity for the grown fauna but I do for the young ones. I spent a very large part of my kiddie days making friends with all manners of little animals, including calves on the roads, and would frequently bring them back to the house asking if we could keep them. I suppose I lost some of that as I grew up and almost completely when I moved here. More because being any sort of non-meat eater here becomes a bit of an issue food wise. But I think it's totally feasible to stick to the white meats and get back to my old routine.

Why suddenly? Because I find myself faintly nauseated by the sight of animal heads on platters. It's probably the stupidest argument ever but I don't associate feelings and personality to hens and fish. But I do to any animal covered with fur, which also explains my aversion to fur. But surprisingly I don't have an issue with leather. I know, flimsiest justification ever but I figure, my life, my rules.

I need to lose a couple of kilos anyways so I think it's a good way to start the year. That and no alcohol for the forseeable future.

Alright 2012

2012-01-02T00:14:00.002+01:00

Bring it on.

State of the nation

2011-12-30T11:38:00.000+01:00

Someone asked me what my new year's resolutions were and I was at a loss on what to say. Not because I don't believe in resolutions, just because I'm total crap at keeping them. I've done stock taking exercises before (exhibits A, B & C) and optimistically planned ahead and I can conclusively say, they've come to absolute nought. The way I see it, things will happen the way they're meant to happen (this includes things like exercise and being healthy). That's about the only truth in my life I've come to trust. So I'm just going to let it progress the way it may and ultimately, somewhere, in some dimension, it'll all fall into place.

But to ring the new year in, as one must, there's a massive dinner planned at a friend's place and I've been allotted dessert duty, which I'm rather looking forward to really. I've been having dreams of mixing cake batter. Whether or not we'll end up doing anything exciting afterwards is moot. We're all very well aware that once we are fed and watered (because Champagned is not a word, or is it?), we will be in no mood to venture out into the cold to compete with crowds and attempt to conduct meaningless conversation with strangers. There was once a time when we had energy for these things but I think we've all universally rejected the idea this time. Yes, we're growing old. But we're perfectly content to be.

So on that note, here's hoping 2012 if filled with bright spots and happy notes.

Bits of youth

2011-12-26T15:02:00.002+01:00

When I first moved to Madras and started hanging out with the girls in my class, I was introduced to a book series called Sweet Valley High. If you're any kind of anglo woman, you would have read the series or heard of it or heard someone else discuss the characters very excitedly. It was a rite of passage for a lot of my generation of schoolgirls in India and you simple were not cool if you weren't in the know of the characters. We would all compulsive borrow the books from our local libraries, swap them and as the characters matured, discussed first kisses, sex, etc. in hushed tones, all the while hiding the books from our parents. It was a big part of our teenage years. Like boy bands and Leo DiCaprio. Yes, I was really girly back then.

To my utter delight, today I discovered that the author wrote a follow on book, setting the characters in present day and it's a 300 odd page opportunity to be 14 years old again. After a quick verification with some friends that it wasn't utterly pathetic to read the book now, I hit the buy button on Amazon. Also, it's some pidly amount so I don't even feel guilty for the frivolous buy. I'm now looking forward to sitting down with the book in my favourite coffee shop on a sunny day and devouring it from cover to cover. I don't care how many disapproving looks I get.

It's sort of amazing how little moments like this, that bring back a flash of years gone by, can brighten your day. Kind of like stumbling on to an old song or rewatching an old favourite movie. The obsessions have now changed. Boy bands have been replaced with Alt and Indie Rock and Leo with John Cusack (Ryan Gosling is a close second). But it is nice, just once in a while, to let yourself slip into old habits, to remind yourself of who you used to be.

That vague clanging sound

2011-12-25T22:08:00.000+01:00

is the noise in my head after drinking nothing but champagne all day. But what a day it was! Filled with good food, great company and cheerful music, it was pretty close to a perfect holiday. I now put myself to bed, primarily because I have to go to work tomorrow but also because I should whilst I can still walk, with an unadulterated sense of happiness and contentment.

Reflections

2011-12-22T17:59:00.001+01:00

I'm not nearly as panicked as I imagined I would be on the first announcement of babies. Weird. Either I'm really growing up or I'm suffering some disassociative personality issue. What I do know for sure, and someone actually asked me this, is that I have no biological clock. What women seem to have for babies, I have for dogs. I have a dog clock.
FB's new timeline has let me relive days from years past. It's extremely weird to see posts from people with whom I have no connection now. Sort of reading old blog posts. Nostalgia and cringe inducing, in equal parts.
I actually met someone who wished me 'Seasons' Greetings.' Who actually says that?
Preps are well underway for Christmas at my place. Add that to the Hanukkah party I went to, I only need to add Eid or Ramzan and I would have achieved one very secular year. Sort of forgot to be a Hindu though. Oh well. Some God, somewhere, will adopt me.
I have no male friends in this city! How did this happen? I'm attempting to cultivate one but he may be too pretty for the role. It is a conundrum indeed.
This is the 5th Christmas I'm going to be spending in a cold country and I have yet to see snow on the day. 'White Christmases' appear to be a myth. Plenty of rainy ones though.
Friendships that involve maintenance tire me. I find the sort of friends I've managed to retain over the years, schools, cities and countries, are the ones with whom I can pick up a conversation like it never stopped. All the rest will just have to find someone else.
The year ends in 9 days. Can't say I'm entirely pleased with all the events of it. The upsides, I've made some pretty great friends and found a lovely place to call home. The downsides, too many to recount. I'm looking forward to shutting the book on this and starting anew.
My father finally has a BB. Now all 3 of us are on chat, all the time. It's the family togetherness program for the 21st century. I sort of like it.
I'm developing a taste for off beat books and literature. I think it's a sign of aging.
There's so much free time on my hands that I've started solving quadratic equations for fun. I forgot how much I loved math. Yes, I'm a geek at heart. Never denied it.

That's all for now folks. Happy holidays. May there be much indulgence and merry tidings all around.

2 steps behind

2011-12-16T16:45:00.000+01:00

I just found out one of my best friends is pregnant. I think I'm officially having an out of body experience now. Marriages first. Now babies. Does anyone know how to stop time? It would be really useful right now.

Lingua franca

2011-12-15T10:59:00.001+01:00

I'm in the midst of incorporating a company in India and as usual, a whole host of paperwork needs to be submitted to assure the Indian Government that this is all authorized and everyone is happy with this decision. What's driving me absolutely mad is this apparent lack of understanding on the French people's parts that if we submit documents in French, Indian authorities won't understand what it says. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's fairly obvious, right? That the whole bloody world doesn't speak or understand French?

I had the most fascinating conversation with Yoda yesterday, which basically went along the lines of:

Me: 'I need to get a bunch of Kbis (the French version of a certificate of incorporation) translated to English and certified. How does one do this in your land?'

Yoda: 'Why do you have to translate it? It's an official document.'

Me: 'Yes, I know it is. But I can't submit them in French in India. They'll have no idea what it says.'

Yoda: 'I don't see why it has to be done. They should just know.'

Me: 'They should know what exactly? French? The concepts of SAS and SARL? Can you hear yourself?'

Yoda: 'I don't know. I don't think it should be translated.'

At this point, it was all I could do to not throw something at him.

When I finally figured out how one gets the official translation done, I had the wonderful task of explaining this to the client. Again, complete lack of comprehension on why ANYTHING needs to be sent in English. Le sigh.

I must find something to break.

Reminder 256

2011-12-12T10:31:00.001+01:00

You know the best part of my job? Running after people to pay our outstanding invoices. I should re-designate myself as 'Jurist/Repo Woman' on my business cards. This is why I studied law for 6 years. So that I can fine tune just how to say 'pay our bills, you cheap bastards.' Fun.

These conversations usually follow a steady pattern:

Email 1: Dear ABC, Please find attached our outstanding invoices for services rendered for the period 2001 to forever. Our accounts department informs us that these invoices are still pending payment. Request you to look into this and expedite their payment. Warm regards, M.

Email 2: Dear ABC, Request you to confirm receipt of my email below and update us on the status of the pending invoices. M.

Call 1: May I speak to ABC please?

..."Who is on the line?"

M, calling from Paris. I'm calling in relation to my emails on unpaid invoices.

..."ABC is in a meeting right now but I will tell him/her you called."

Email 10: ABC, Please confirm receipt of all my emails below and update us on the status of the unpaid invoices.

Call 26: Is ABC there, please?

..."Sorry madam, he/she is in a meeting."

ABC is in a meeting? Again? Can you tell me when he/she is available?

..."Sorry madam, I do not know."

Fine. Please inform him/her that I called, again, regarding our unpaid invoices. Again.

Email 15: ABC, I have left several phone messages for you regarding our unpaid invoices. Considering that we work with several group companies in your organization and since we have not received any response from you, we have no choice but to escalate the matter. It is disappointing that a company of your stature has chosen to behave in such an unprofessional manner.

Email 1 from ABC: Hello, yes, I was travelling extensively over the past 6 months and only now received your messages. I will ask our accounts department to look into this. However, I don't remember asking for all this advice you claim to have given us. Please forward all correspondence on 'How to pay French employees.'

Email 16: ABC, Please find attached all the correspondence on this subject, including your emails requesting advice as of the minute and our signed engagement letter, which you had agreed to.

Email 2 from ABC: Yes, yes, I now remember. We will look into this.

3 weeks later, we get paid.

Boss walks into room, "M, please run after XYZ for this bill."

Merry christmas to me.

Dear Universe

2011-12-11T18:43:00.001+01:00

Are you even listening to me? I said, I'm on a break. Not send along 2 more please. Break, I tell you. Come back in 20 days - or at least keep the good looking one available then. Thank you.

Thoughts running through my brain today

2011-12-07T17:27:00.001+01:00

Winter should have separate work timings - just like daylight savings. It should be totally acceptable to leave office by 6, on grounds of no sunlight, no brain activity.
Who made the rule that women have to be groomed and presentable? What is it that men do to hold up their end of the attractiveness bargain? I haven't heard of their standing appointments for waxing and facials.
It is impossible to look graceful while being bundled up in a coat, wearing a cap, holding an umbrella in gloved hands, against a gusting wind, precariously balancing a book, trying not to pull earphones out of their sockets, whilst walking in heels, in the rain, to office. Damn the man who invented heels.
Why do women with straight, sleek locks look so much more polished and glamorous than those of us who possess hair that mostly should be worn by little girls' dolls?
We should get 10 days paid holidays for personal reasons - I think wanting to sleep in on certain days to just finish dreams is a perfectly acceptable excuse. Or hating the way you look in the mirror one fine morning.
People should come with tags, like clothes, that explains their composition and care instructions. "100% heart, totally screwed in the head, does not lose easily at board games, likes Disney movies, puppies and hugs." That would help.
Birthdays and New Year celebrations are overrated. So is being a grown up and earning a living.
There are plenty of unread books sitting on my shelves and I'm continuing to buy more. Like I have money to burn.
With every new man, if I need to change perfumes and my playlist, I'm going to run up very large bills and run out of music.

Now I must return to drafting mind numbing follow up emails. How many more ways can there be to say "please give us business!"?

'Tis the season for hangovers

2011-12-06T13:56:00.001+01:00

After that mini 'Good lord, my life is passing me by' moment, I've let the fact that it's the holiday season sink in. I'm getting my first ever Christmas tree this year (I love that my religion lets me celebrate pretty much anything and everything that belongs to other people) and my excitement knows no bounds. Seriously. I figured if I'm going to be all secular this year, I'm going the whole 9 yards and even having an open house Christmas celebration - there will be much alcohol, cooking and vintage movie watching for anyone in the city, family-less and plan-less. I even managed to dig up a CD of carols from the vast collection left to me by the landlord. Yes, yes, it's cheesy. But I didn't get Diwali this year. So all the more reason to be OTT. I probably have some Dickensian version of events playing out in my head, but whatever it turns out to be, I'm determined to have fun.

December 2011

2011-12-05T11:50:00.001+01:00

The year's almost over! When did this happen?

The Walmart Story

2011-12-02T05:11:00.001+01:00

If you pick up the newspaper anywhere in the country now, you'll see news reports on the potential opening up of the retail sector to foreign investment. This has been a long awaited change. For years, the likes of Walmart, Carrefour, etc. have been waiting in the wings, patiently, while the Indian Government debated and dithered over this policy change. And like any other major overhaul, there is stiff resistance to this.

Setting aside why this would be good for my firm's business, I personally believe that it's high time this sector opened up. The whole 'mom and pop shops will be wiped out argument' is untenable for me since we already have supermarkets in India and they've been around a while. All the foreign ones will do is ramp up the scale of the operations. If the local around the corner shops have survived Indian supermarkets, they will continue to survive the foreign ones. I believe that there is a market for these little shops because supermarkets cater to a different demographic. Will there be some displacement of jobs? Certainly. That's inevitable. But will it wipe out an entire sub-economy? No. Should people stop overreacting? Definitely.

More importantly, the idea behind this is to allow the foreign chains to bring in their supply chain mechanisms, which are desperately needed to avoid the kind of food wastage we have going on now. Indian supermarkets have not created enough of a supply chain and there is no more money to be put into this. So we need investment from somewhere. We're losing 40% of perishable produce simply because we don't have adequate storage for it. That's shameful considering the kind of need there is for it. And with that, a entire set of jobs will be created. In the net sum, I don't see it as a loss of employment, just a different kind of opportunity.

I won't deny that the Indian Government has made a hash of its efforts. They released a bald policy statement and then engaged the opposition in debates. That's just stupid politics. The idea is to garner support prior to proposing a change. If you have votes in the bag, changes are that much easier to effect. What the Government has not explained is how this will also ensure fair trade practices in India - the idea being to eliminate the middle man and the suppliers getting a fairer price for their produce because they will have more choice for their sales. Of course like all Government efforts, this one has been half assed and they'll release detailed regulations later on the implementation of this policy. Why they can't do anything comprehensively is beyond me.

What surprises me even more is the vehement opposition to this. The current Central Government opposition, when it was in power, had the been the first ones to suggest this change. Now that they're not in power, they opposing it simply because they can. And of the course the Government has been extremely brilliant in delegating the implementation of this policy to the State Governments and since EVERYONE in India plays vote bank politics, several Chief Ministers have said 'not happening in my state.' Again, stupid politics. Before delegating to States, make sure they're on board. And courtesy all this fuss, the traders yesterday went on strike to protest this change. Do they have an entire comprehension of what is sought to be achieved? Probably not. Have political party thugs threatened them with dire consequences if they didn't oppose the change? Probably so.

And my favourite argument of all - but if foreign companies come in, Indian companies won't be able to compete because they're not on the same standard. Just because Indian companies have never had any competition in this area, they have become complacent. They don't need to ramp up their efforts or even attempt to lure customers in because right now they hold a captive market. Does this mean that the consumer must continue to suffer mediocrity because these companies have had no incentive to clean up their act? Really? Is that what we're trying to achieve here? We're the ones who're constantly carping on about the India growth story and how our companies must all reach international levels and be competitive on a global scale. How is that going to happen if we mollycoddle the existing companies with 'Oh it's ok, you're Indian, we don't expect any better from you. We'll protect you from the big bad MNC'? Kind of like the international law firms entering India argument.

Personally, I believe this is going to happen regardless of opposition. Probably not right now or in the near term. But for sure, in time. Once all roadblocks have been handled. We want to play on the international arena. Then let's play dammit!

Book review continued

2011-12-01T10:44:00.001+01:00

After that very enthusiastic, look at me, I can read a book, post, it took me many days to actually finish the tome. And let me tell you, it's entirely missable. Not only did I discover more translation errors, the story was just so superficial. Woman gets married to stranger, stranger turns out to be asshole, woman runs away to family friend, family friend also asshole, woman meets white man, white man lovely but married, woman convinced she will change him, he doesn't, woman sad. The end. Nonsense. No more Taslima Nasreen.

Bombay vs. Paris

2011-11-27T18:00:00.001+01:00

So my down time in Bombay is coming to an end tonight. The Boss flies in and tomorrow we get to work. But the last 3 days here have been amazing. I got to spend time with Alice, Ruma and JC, doing what we do best together, drinking, shopping and gossiping. We are girls afterall. And we rounded it off last night with another epic house party at GR's place (it's true, hangovers do get worse as you grow older). As I caught up with ex-colleagues I haven't seen in 2 years including my old boss, which was plain surreal for me, I realised that the only thing I've missed about Bombay are my friends. They have something that my Parisian friends don't. Context and history, in a way that I'll never be able to explain to my friends in Paris. I miss our private jokes, that we can all complete each other's sentences and that we can all just be in each other's company without having or needing an agenda. I know this will pass and I'm probably just facing Sunday evening blues. But this for this moment, I wish I could transpose them to Paris.

Lost in Translation

2011-11-25T05:22:00.001+01:00

So, in an unprecedented move, I've actually managed to get through a vast portion of a book in less than 2 hours (there used to be days where I'd devour a book in a day, much before I started reading for a living) and I feel compelled to comment on it.

En route to Bombay, I picked up Taslima Nasrin's "French Lover". It's the story of a young Indian immigrant in Paris and since I've read every other kind of Paris expat book, figured it couldn't be too bad. I wouldn't say I was wrong. It's still decently written and very descriptive. Basically revolves around a Bengali girl who gets married off to some Indian man in Paris who runs an Indian restaurant (but of course) in the late 90s and her coming to terms with the new country and general liberal norms that prevail in the West.

I have to say though, whoever translated it from Bengali, really should have used a map to describe certain places. Phonetic pronunciation has taken new meaning in this book. Some examples that made me cringe and also puzzle over what was trying to be communicated:

Sandani = Saint Denis

Corvosion = Convention (took me a good 5 minutes to figure this out)

Ouver sur Oassee = Auvers-sur-Oise

And other gems. That's just lazy work by the translator.

But looking beyond that, I suppose it's a testament to the author that I was strongly tempted to reach into the book and shake the protagonist. It's a common story of South Asians who arrive in Paris and then make the absolute minimal effort to integrate, because it's all just too alien for them. I'm waiting to see how the story finishes. The usual, 'oh my God, there's the Eiffel' moments are there but it lacks a certain reality, which, to me, results from not having actually lived in the city that the author writes about.

Who blinks first

2011-11-23T13:55:00.001+01:00

So Ammama (grandmother for those who don't understand the language - amma's amma, get it?) has taken it upon herself to be a martyr on this trip of mine. Just ever so slight suggestions and comments and I think she thinks I'll crumble. But she doesn't know she's dealing with an expert on emotional blackmail tactics. Very little on this topic can move me.

First attempt - Ammama: 'I would so like like to see you in your wedding sari, wearing all the jewellery I'm going to bequeath to you'.

Me: 'But I'm getting all the jewellery anyways, right?'

Ammama: 'Yes, but I want to see you wearing them.'

Me: 'Sure, bring them out. I'll wear them right now.'

Ammama: '...'

Ammama 0, Me 1.

Second attempt - Ammama: 'You know, your cousin may get married to this boy she's bringing.'

Me: 'Yeah? How nice for them.'

Ammama: 'You'll be an unmarried older sister at her wedding then.'

Me: 'I know, so cool no? I'll be the unmarried older sister, who lives in Paris and spoilt for choice (big grin).'

Ammama: '...', probably trying really hard to not figure out what that exactly means.

Ammama 0, Me 2.

Third attempt - Ammama: 'I found this lovely necklace at our jewellers.'

Me: 'No, no, it's fine, I never wear half my jewellery anyways.'

Ammama: 'No, if I buy it now, then you can wear after I'm dead and you'll remember me fondly.'

Me: 'Oh, don't worry. I don't dwell on the dead (another big grin).'

Ammama: '...'

Ammama 0, Me 3.

Stay tuned. I leave for Bombay tomorrow night and in the next 24 hours I'm sure I'll have a couple more to jot down.

Home musings

2011-11-22T12:26:00.001+01:00

It's amazing how easy it is to slip right back into home. Sure, it's been 10 months since I last visited and the city looks like an overgrown village to me (seriously, what is with the construction and road work everywhere?), but it's still so simple because I know exactly where to go for everything.

It's been a bit more than 48 hours since I set foot and already everything on my 'to do' list has been accomplished. Dentist? Check. Tailor? Check. Business meetings? Check. New suitcase because my old one fell apart on travel? Check. I even managed to fit in a jet lag induced nap and dinner plans. Not bad I'd say.

Home has a feeling of being on permanent vacation. No need to make the bed, or shop for groceries, or clean, or do laundry. However, it is always a double edged sword. I already have had not so subtle hints from Ammama about 'all my friends are asking me when my eldest granddaughter will get married but I tell them all that she is old enough to make her own decisions (I have finally earned that right at 28, by the way)' in that tone of voice where you know she means the exact opposite. For now I've adopted a cheerful 'oh tell them all to mind their own grandkids' approach. But a lot more needling on this and this will wear off. In any case the other grandchild arrives soon with the white boyfriend in tow, so I can sit back and watch the fun. Yes, I'm evil like that. But for now, it's all good.

On that note, I'll leave you with a little piece of my home. My BB resolution is less than horrible but it's something. If you listen really carefully, you'll hear the sea.

Detox

2011-11-21T13:57:00.001+01:00

You hear that? That's the sound of my brain and body relaxing. That's the sound of crickets outside and waves crashing about 500 meters from the house. That's the vaguely muffled sounds of the television coming in from the grandparents' house. That's the sound of wind chimes. That's the sound of being home.

Extreme measures

2011-11-19T20:13:00.001+01:00

You know what's pathetic? That it's taken all my willpower to not text today. It was such a beautiful, sunny day, of the kind that is meant to be spent outside, feeling good about life. Instead, I spent the day packing and curled up on my couch and all I can think about is getting on my 9 hour flight and not having to think. I just need to not think.

Overanalyzing is what I do

2011-11-18T12:00:00.001+01:00

I had an epiphany yesterday, as I tend to have at 3 am. I took an inventory of my personal life and here are the stars that have made their appearance in the last decade of my life:

Starting at the very beginning - X. I can safely attach a 'what was I thinking' stamp to that one. 6 years of time wasted on someone with image and mommy issues. I have even managed to pin point the exact moment at which I should have walked away - 3 years in, but I didn't, and what followed was a carnage of my self esteem, which took me years to get over. I'm fairly certain I'm still dealing with issues arising from this one. I really should see a therapist and send him the bill. Fail.
The slew of terrible one-and-only-one dates in Bombay. I tend to be a little lenient on these since I actually put myself out there only at the age of 24 and it took a while to learn to play the game. Thankfully none of them made the cut but I kept myself entertained for the better part of a year and had plenty of blogging fodder. And to be honest, had these all not happened, it may not have tipped the balance in favour of moving to Paris. So I think I'll give them a Pass just for the end result.
Yoda - way older and office colleague. Yes, I am full of smart decisions. I'd like to put this down to being flattered that someone half intelligent and good looking even found me interesting, but as we all know, one must not dip the pen in the office ink pot. No good can come of it. Fail.
Tax guy - I honestly do not know what I was doing there. I think I just needed someone to be nice to me, and he was, barring the utter boredom he instilled. Ignoring the last bit of immaturity on his part, he's still a nice guy, just not for me. Pass.
Wine guy - because I'm a glutton for punishment. Plain and simple. And so much time wasted! Fail.
The Italian - I want to say because I was bored? Is that acceptable? Fail.
A - in some corner of my brain, I honestly believed that someone from my community, with a similar background and a certain comfort in speaking the same languages would work. It sure did! He thought we were in a married state, about 5 minutes into the conversation. And the idea of him still makes my skin crawl. Ugh. Big fat fail.
V - sort of changed the way I looked at relationships and all that it entails. Still no regrets, except for the last bit of foolishness but oh well, we all make mistakes when vulnerable. No point beating myself about it. Just a bit crushing to realize that someone can get over you all that easily. A fairly good Pass I'd say.

So there you have it. 10 years of my life all encapsulated in bullet points. It would be funny if it weren't just slightly tragic. I should write a book called 'The Girl who couldn't get it right!'. It will be a best seller and I can finally move to NYC. May as well make some money out of all this, no?

I've also realized that in the last 2 years, only about 2 months have passed between first dates, give or take. Yes, Paris was meant to jumpstart my life, but I may have become one of those horrifying women who hasn't had a break from men. Not because I don't know how to be alone, because that's usually my state of being even when I'm seeing someone, since I've picked such winners, but because I just haven't let myself face the exact realization I'm having now. I'm not getting this right!

I think you will all agree, I need time off from the dating scene. What I need is perspective and distance. And a better selection process since I clearly have a knack for the impossible or painful. I need therapy, I'm telling you. I'm not dramatic enough to say that there will be no one else, because there will be. I know I have options. I just don't have the energy or the heart to exercise any of them right now. I just have to get through 2011 without any more emotional turmoil. I think it's a reasonable goal to have considering the year is nearly at an end.

One can hope I've learned from my mistakes (this is seriously debatable). But I know I'll make many more with time. I just hope they're worth it!

A self sustaining diet plan

2011-11-17T10:45:00.001+01:00

Nothing like feeling like absolute crap to stop me from eating. Fond memories of the last time I felt like this and lost unnecessary weight. Girls tend to overeat when depressed. I, on the hand, starve because food tastes like ash when I'm upset. So there's the silver lining to my self destructive pattern - I'll fit back into my skinny clothes.

I am also accepting applications for someone to make decisions for me. Since I clearly have no perspective on what's good for me and what's not, anyone else will make a better life manager at this point. Volunteers? Anyone?

M strikes again

2011-11-16T09:54:00.001+01:00

I may have broken one pattern, but damn I know how to screw up things right and royally. Well done. Really. Of all the smart decisions to take, I have outdone myself this time. This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. And I have no one to blame but myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. There's no other word for it.

Ye Gods

2011-11-15T20:12:00.001+01:00

Give me strength to do the right and grown up thing.

On nothing

2011-11-14T14:51:00.001+01:00

We had a long weekend this past one and I spent 3 days doing absolutely nothing. Nothingness in my world is a permanent state of being. My nothingness is defined by domestic boundaries and being happy in my own company. My nothingness is usually punctuated by chores like scrubbing down the kitchen floor and rearranging the books in my shelves. Nothingness to me is about staring at walls and letting my mind go blank, because it is typically burdened by all consuming thoughts like whether I should buy a whole bottle of milk now that I'm leaving in a week. Some of the happy nothingness for me is wandering around town, and taking in the local sights and sounds. Then I remember that I have no one to share any of my finds with and I get back to feeling nothing again. I had brief interludes of human company and alcohol consumption (which I really need to cut down on) followed by hours of just sitting on my couch, willing my body to stop aching whilst I focussed on a paint smudge on my wall. I even had interesting coversation with a not unattractive man, something that usually leaves me with a bit of hope. But I think I'm a bit lost in this sea of nothingness and am quite content to bob along till I pull myself ashore again.

Rainy days and Mondays

2011-11-07T15:22:00.000+01:00

No, I will not launch into a song. But November is here and with it an unending vista of grey skies. Add to that, daylight savings, which makes sunlight end by 5 pm, and you have a recipe for long evenings, sitting on the couch, listening to depressing music, eating chocolate and feeling like crap. If winter came with blue skies, I would still make my peace with the cold temperatures and the need to wear many layers of clothing at once. But no. It must be grey and rainy in this useless city. I can't wait to escape to home for a while!

That's what friends are for

2011-11-04T18:28:00.001+01:00

I just came back to my office, from a very exciting all day conference, to find gorgeous flowers on my desk. The note simply read 'Because we all love you'. Initially mystifying, I finally figured out who they are from and I will just say, you should be so lucky to have friends like mine! What a lovely note to start the weekend on!

Global identity

2011-10-31T18:11:00.004+01:00

So tonight is Halloween. It means little to me other than tomorrow being a holiday and somewhat of an extended weekend here in France. But in a bizarre twist, I do see a bunch of themed parties being held tonight, and nearly all of them require costumes. I even passed a costume shop close to my place yesterday and saw a line nearly a block long with people patiently picking out what they wanted to wear. Personally, I tend to skip parties that require that much advance prep. It's just too much effort. But these folks seem all up for it.

This sort of plays into what my friends and I have been discussing recently. There are parts of Paris that are stubbornly traditional and sweeping in a way that movies make you believe Paris should be. I largely associate a lot of it with the Left Bank, since the Right Bank is now teeming with hipsters (yes, I admit it) and the double-income-no-kids variety. Everyone encounters natives who are disdainful of all things American and their seeming shallowness and lack of general awareness. But there's also this population that's strangely fascinated with some form of Americanism. It's been interesting to watch this, especially since I can distance myself from both cultures.

First, there's the whole happiness with McDonald's, which I really do not get. Seriously. It is not a food group unless you are on a highway and desperately hungry. There's one of these on nearly every block here and I have even seen people going on dates there (sorry, but that's a straight fail and 'never call again' situations in my books). Even in India, and we're general fans of America and the dream and all that, doesn't have one of those and those that do exist have been rapidly downgraded to being used only for their facilities, whilst the rest of feign being in line, just to get keys to the loo.

Then there's the wearing of the chucks (Converse, for those of you not into the lingo). There's a large population that has many pairs of them. They won't be caught dead in sneakers in public, unless headed for 'sport', but they'll happily wear their multitude of lace ups with anything tha resembles their concept of attire acceptable to be worn in public. What is that? Chucks are now out of fashion even in Brooklyn. It's time to get on with it.

And my personal favourite. Brunch. It acquires special significance here. Brunch to the normal populace is really any meal somewhere between breakfast and lunch and it has no set menu. Here, brunch mandatorily involves eggs and other food considered Anglo, which could range from bacon to pancakes. And they are so in fashion right now! No self respecting, slightly Anglo leaning establishment, is worth it's salt if they don't serve weekend brunches. Not that I'm complaining. It's often my only meal during weekends. But I'm truly amused by this spread of the concept. This Sunday I had the pleasure of brunching at a place replete with chuck wearing locals who then sauntered down to the local costume shop afterwards.

Wierdly enough, I now also see signs of upcoming Thanksgiving celebrations. What is it exactly that the locals are giving thanks for on the 3rd weekend of November? Even funnier was when someone asked me whether I celebrate it. I call questions like that an American moment (along the lines of 'oh my god, do you guys have like water and electricity at your home in India?').

Sure, I've set out all the ways in which I ridicule the locals because it's just so much fun, particularly when they take themselves so seriously. But here's the question. Are we all becoming so homogenized that it's becoming difficult to tell one culture from another? Sure, it's always good to absorb new things, but at what point do we stop absorbing and become one giant mass of indentical people?

A graveyard for good manners

2011-10-28T12:10:00.001+02:00

What is it with people these days? Have consideration and courtesy gone to die? Or is it me and some hightened sense of propriety that is irrelevant?

The following kinds of behaviour do not sit with me:

Flaking on people. If you have confirmed plans and can't make it, have the decency to let people know in advance so they can get on with life. With everyone having a cell phone these days, if you haven't taken the 30 seconds to set a reminder for yourself, it is not excusable. Being absent minded is not my problem.
It is not ok to text someone in the middle of the night (read as early morning), not being mindful of time differences, asking for hotel recommendations in some city. I am not a walking-talking book on India and I damn well don't have to take the time to find hotels for you. It's called Google. Use it. And for God's sake, think twice before being tigger happy with texting. You don't have a recall function on cell phones.
I do not accept people who drop off the face of the earth and then reappear just in time for needing my help or input on something. Particularly when the same people haven't been around to see me through tough times. I am no one's doormat and have no room in my life for fair weather friends.

I didn't think these were things that had to be said out loud but apparently they do. Or is it me being obsolete here?

Your freedom stops where my nose begins

2011-10-27T17:13:00.000+02:00

When we were studying consitutional law, that was one of the first principles we were told. Fundamental rights and freedoms are all very well. But with that is the duty to be a responsible citizen. It popped into my head last night and I've been needing to get it out of my system.

So last night, in a first this week where I haven't left work at some odd hour of the night, I got drinks with what I would at best call an acquaintance. A friend of mine from law school called in a favour and said her brother, also a law school alum but way senior, was travelling in France and would like the perspective of a practising Indian lawyer in Paris and could I please meet him briefly. My radar went off because no one wants to just have a chat about these things unless there's some agenda behind it. But, free drink and a chance to get out of office. Who am I to say no?

So off I went, after escaping at a reasonable hour. I met up with said person and his girlfriend, a lovely Irish girl. After all the introductions were done and we did our mandatory 'do you know this person?' and 'I interned at this lawyer's office', etc. we got down to business. This fellow is essentially a litigator and has his own practice in India. But courtesy the cross-continental relationship he's currently in (really, is it a given that our generation has to go through this?), he wants to move to Paris and basically needed to know what opportunities are out here for an Indian lawyer.

I had to explain to him that as far as Indian lawyers working in Paris are concerned, the opportunities are few and far between. There are a sum total of 3 of us in this vast landscape. And I pull rank on the other 2 being the only person who actually has experience in India. A Harvard LLM does not prepare anyone for foreign investment questions or how to handle an Indian joint venture partner (yes, I'm a bit touchy on the topic. Can't you tell?). So as a litigation specialist who's used 'giving it off to judges and senior advocates alike' (his words, not mine) I didn't know right off the bat what opportunities there are for him in Paris. But I offered to put him in touch with a few people and see if that went anywhere. You would think someone would keep quiet after that and get on with subjects? No! The man says 'hey, maybe you can speak to your boss and see if you need a senior Indian associate in your department?'. The gaul! Firstly, I AM the frikkin' India department. And secondly, senior associate to be placed above me? WTF! Not exactly the right way to extract favours from someone you barely know.

I basically shut the conversation down by pointing out to him that we weren't hiring and that even if we were, we would be hiring junior lawyers since I was already the senior associate in the department. I don't think he got it. Not even my icy tone had an effect. I sympathize about the long distance and meeting in the middle and all, but your relationship woes stop where my job begins. And he's bloody well not stealing mine.

Just goes to show. Give Indians an inch and they take a bloody kilometer.

Indian in a strange land

2011-10-26T11:06:00.001+02:00

So it's Diwali and I'm sitting here, with not a sparkler in sight. This time last year, I was home, helping the parents set up the candles and lamps and then we sat back on the terrace with an appropriate amount of alcohol and watched the neighborhood work their way through their paychecks by means of fireworks. I'm going to let myself feel just a bit homesick and lonely today and then shut that down. Wallowing in pity is not my style.

I've also been invited to Diwali celebrations at the Indian House, later in the month, with 'family and friends'. So of course the invitation has been extended to my resident family in city, who all seem very excited to be part of something non-white. It's very funny. They have the most curious questions about what clothes they should wear and what seems to be appropriate behaviour at these things. I basically told them that if they could manage the whole song and dance evening without bursting into giggles, they would have succeeded. My irreverance may have shocked them. Sort of how they keep asking to go to the temple with me and I haven't the heart to tell them that I can't remember the last time I visited one.

It kind of brings it all down to these 'Indian' things they keep expecting of me and to be honest, I don't know what that means. No, I don't eat Indian food every night (not even once a week if I'm not in the mood), I don't watch those God awful movies and I don't feel the need to chatter in Hindi with my friends. But at the same time, they find it bizarre that I don't celebrate Christmas. But I don't bother asking them why I would in the first place. Besides Diwali is our christmas and I hear a brand new camera lens is waiting for me at home.

This post is sort of pointless. I guess I'm just feeling a bit out to sea. Oh well. It'll pass.

Happy Diwali to you all. May the year ahead bring you love, happiness and bright spots, found in unexpected places.

Balance restored

2011-10-25T13:05:00.003+02:00

And I'm back. Either I'm numb or dead inside but I'm fine. I bounced back quite easily I'd say. Of course, nothing like maddening amounts of work to keep the mind busy but even when not, I'm not overanalysing, I'm not replaying anything in my head, I'm just blank. Hmmm. Yeah, probably the dead inside thing.

The 4 stages

2011-10-23T11:08:00.004+02:00

So I'm letting myself be completely and absolutely angry about this. I don't have to explain it and I don't have to be ok with the situation. So I deserve to be angry. Livid in fact. And I'm throwing my energies into manual labour. Most of yesterday went in helping a friend re-paint her apartment and today I'm going to cook up a storm. May as well channel all this into something positive. I've already gotten to the acceptance stage. But like I said, I don't have to explain it.

To a summer that was

2011-10-20T11:37:00.001+02:00

I'm not nearly mended enough to write this. But I will because I need to.

In what seems to me like a breakthrough, for the first time in 3 years I didn't run. I didn't find fault. And I let myself open to being vulnerable. And so I have to believe that I may in fact be reaching a place where I can be myself without fear of absolute destruction. And that being myself is alright (I was once told to not be my complete self for fear of intimidating other people. Suffice to say that person is no longer considered a friend).

Of course, there's no easy way to get past the sadness of it all without actually experiencing it. But I have to believe that letting myself feel anything at all is a good thing. Rather than the stone cold status I've maintained for so long. As they say, beneath the granite exterior often beats a heart of stone.

And if I'm being honest with myself, how would it have worked? Constant plans to meet in the distant future? Putting life on hold in the present? And how would we have reconciled professional aspirations? All said and done, I've worked hard to get to where I am now. And I rather like it. Would I have contemplated giving that up for something that wasn't sure? It was always a long shot at best. We didn't have nearly enough time to lay the foundations for something like this. So there is no one to blame (yes, I know you'll read this and so I'm telling you again. No one to blame). It's just the way the situation is. It sucks on a monumental level but hey, at least we gave it a shot, right, instead of wondering what could have been?

For what it's worth, I don't have any regrets. The summer of 2011 was maybe one of the best of I've had. It was bright and cheerful and happy. And I'll take whatever happiness I can get. I have to, afterall, live in the present.

And

2011-10-19T17:18:00.003+02:00

that was short-lived. Whoever you are up there, in charge of my life, you win. I give up. I don't think I have any more heart left to be broken.

Labels

2011-09-01T10:23:00.000+02:00

I am officially someone's girlfriend. It's taken me 3 and something years to get here. And as fate would have it, V is leaving tomorrow night. So I am also someone's girlfriend contemplating a long distance relationship. My how we have grown!

Sweeping rhetoric

2011-08-23T14:39:00.000+02:00

Indians are suckers for grand gestures. It's how our history was created and for as long as something has the veneer of being in the right, they will play along blindly. And so is the case with the current furor over the Jan Lokpal Bill.

Let me state my case. I am by no means pro-corruption. I do not condone people having to bribe their way into getting things done and I am very well aware of the fact that corruption exists at nearly every strata of our society. However, let us all take a step back and examine what's going on right now, shall we?

First of all, as it has been pointed out several times in the past few months, the current draft of the Bill only aims to tackle the symptoms of corruption. Not the root cause. Tell me, how on earth do we fight concentration of power, that ultimate leads to corruption by creating another layer of power? That too one without checks and balances. Is that counter intuitive to anyone else?

Yes, Hazare is seeking to rid the system of corruption. And that is a noble cause. But the Bill in its current form is not the answer. How about we focus on ridding the several layers of Government that require paying off? How about we streamline systems? We want grassroots movements. Then let us start at the bloody roots.

And can we please not resort to the fasting to death mechanism, in the name of Gandhi, everytime we want something done? Are we all so deprived of the power of speech and reason that we really must use emotional blackmail every single time? No corruption, fast to death. New state, fast to death. I want my passport issued in 24 hours. Should I fast to death too? Not to mention the Government that stupidly played right into his hands by preemptively arresting the man on grounds of attempt to commit suicide. Well done. They've succeeded in elevating his status to martyr and now that fat is really in the fire. Indians only need a symbol to sieze on and that has been successfully accomplished. It would seem that we are all so desperately looking for a hero to deliver us all from evil, that powers of rational thinking and individual analysis have all gone to hibernate for a while.

And being the sheep that we are, everyone has latched on to the 'anti-corruption' part of the Hazare movement. Now we are all being inundated with emails and FB pages that make broad claims to suggest that if you are not with this movement, you are very much less Indian and pro-corruption. Is it entirely possible to have an independent opinion on this matter? Secret answer C - pick up the damn Bill and give it a read. If after all that, you still believe in the cause, then by all means go out there and protest. Don't give me bullshit arguments like "but he is anti-corruption and so we must support him", as I was recently lectured. We've all been blessed with some brains. Would be nice to actually use them.

So how do we exercise our right to have a say what goes on? Go out and vote! It's all very well to sign up to online petitions and light candles, because hey, we're masters at passive aggression. But when the time really comes down to actual action, people are too busy taking vacations to care. It was the same damn story with the Bombay attacks. So you will all excuse me if I'm not awash with patriotism at this ridiculous display of herd mentality.

What's next? Throwing stones at shops and mass violence, à la London, to prove a point?

Fate

2011-08-05T17:01:00.000+02:00

really doesn't seem to like me.

Last month, I went to a wedding in Bordeaux. It was the wedding of a friend I met entirely by chance and should a random set of events not have happened, I may not be where I am now. So anyways, I was there, very pleased to be at my first white wedding. We all know how much I like these events. It was a nice little ceremony with the priest talking about sex and desire, since apparently that's the only reason a white and brown person get married. Anyhoo. Soon after, we all trooped to the designated Chateau (yes, Chateau) for the reception.

As the evening wore on, many glasses of champagne down, I noticed a sandy haired boy dancing with some girls. I know, so my type. I figured he was with one of the girls and continued to let my eyes wander around the room. A little later, as the room formed into a conga line, I found sandy haired boy next to me. A good opening line is to ask about French traditional dancing at weddings. He responded in flawless English and I took a good look at him. I had him pegged at about 25 years old and as we introduced ourselves to each other, I got dragged into the line. After the stupid dancing stopped and I sat myself down and cursed my high heels (seriously, why do we do this to ourselves?), sandy haired boy found a seat next to me and we got back to chatting. Turns out he was a diplomat and we talked about Paris and going out and more banal things that can only be spoken about over the sounds of a DJ blitzing 90's rock. A few hours later, as the fatigue really set in and I was starting to wonder how I was about to get back to the hotel, he sweetly offered to drop me back. Even though he lived about a 100 km in the opposite direction. Now, I'm not a fool. I got what the offer to drop me meant but it's also not my style. So I figured I should use the kind invitation to at least get myself back to town.

And off we set. In the pouring rain, talking about foreign policy, him meeting Qaddafi, how many languages we spoke, his getting posted to China on his first mission, etc. Yes, you saw that right. Anyhow, as we pulled up to the hotel, more meaningless conversation ensued since we were both clearly trying to figure out what the exit strategy was. I gave him an opening, since he was too shy to do anything about it, and said that I hoped to see him around Paris one day. Smart enough, he got my number and I bade him a good night and left. Much to his disappointment I'm told.

A couple of days later, after staring at my phone for a while and calling myself a fool for expecting anything, I got a text asking if I'd like to get a drink. I was smiling like an idiot, I'm not afraid to admit. So drinks plans were made and I met him. And we talked. And talked and talked and talked. Drinks turned into dinner and he walked me to the metro station. Again, first date endings are dicey. And since he made no move, I decided to do les biz (your air kisses on the cheeks) and left. Got a prompt text message saying it was a lovely evening and that we should meet again.

Now I was detemined to play it cool and said, sure, I'm off for the weekend and that I would text once I was back. Of course that plan failed. We made plans the next day to check out a concert on the Monday after I was back. Over the weekend, not only did I see some of Provence, I also developed a solid skin infection that I was convinced would go away with some anti-biotics. I've had it before. So I confirmed the date, we met for dinner, I limped along courtesy the pain I was in, and then we made our way to the concert. The location, the jazz, the green leafy setting, all clearly emboldened the boy (we're still calling him boy because he is in fact 25 years old. Cue gasp) who made a move to hold my hand. And then he kissed me, and I have to say, given all the ambiance, it was pretty damn perfect. Post the concert, we wandered about, holding hands in a very teenagey way, talking about a 1000 things and made plans to see each other later in the week.

Then real life intervened. My infection got so bad that I had to get hospitalised and operated on. Yes, fun! In the meantime, there was a steady stream of texts. I had to tell him about the hospitalization because I think after a point it would have become a 'you're being weird and distant' issue. He promptly came to the hospital to see me. Me, in my blue paper hospital gown, my skin this very attractive sickly colour and my hair tied high on my head, face devoid of all makeup. He claims he saw me and thought 'OMG, she's so beautiful', which I'm certain is a total crock, but hey, at least he cares enough to lie about it. He even brought me magazines and lent me his headphones so I could self entertain as I waited to be operated on. By the way, general anesthesia followed by a morphine injection, I totally recommend it. It's the best sleep you'll ever have.

Once I got released the next day (I have AMAZING friends who took care of me round the clock) and got home, he brought over dinner. And it was such a nice evening. Really. We sat on the balcony, discussed life issues, drank wine, ate healthy since he was all 'you need your vitamins'. And we saw each other the following evening too. More dinner, more music. And on Sunday he came with me to my friends' place for brunch and we spent the rest of the day wandering around Paris, where he fed me tid-bits on the city (he's a walking history book), we strolled along the Seine, sat in the Tuileries, and general feelings of contentment set in. I know, I'm already in trouble.

So we've spent nearly every evening together since, and now he's off in India, attending the Indian leg of the wedding and is sending me texts on international roaming. What we haven't dealt with at all is his leaving for China at the end of the month. I'm sure it will get to a stage where we can't avoid the discussion and given that we've both had our asses handed to us in the LDR equation, I'm not sure how that talk is going to go. So for now, I am forcing myself to live in the present.

I will say this though. I'm happier than I have been in a really long time. And it just goes to show, some really nice things happen to you when you least expect it.

A serious case of ICK

2011-07-04T16:27:00.000+02:00

So I recently found out that my boss and Yoda are possibly attempting to woo the same girl. All the whilst being in supposedly commited relationships, the former being married for over 25 years. I know that infidelity is rampant in the French work place but the same girl? Amongst team members? Are you kidding me? I have this desperate need to take a hot shower to scrub off this slime of knowledge. And I travel extensively with my boss. I feel like I can't look at him in the eye anymore.

Blech!

A decade

2011-07-01T10:44:00.000+02:00

July 1, 2001. That was 10 years ago. So much has happened in between and it feels like it has passed in the blink of an eye. I am so far removed from the 18 year old me, it feels like another lifetime. It's almost surreal.

Not that you've asked, but stuff that's made this last decade a lot more interesting than the one before that:

the decision to become a lawyer and not an engineer or designer. Whether this is my true calling is yet to be decided but for now it's a sufficiently successful means of living the life I've always wanted.
being in love, entirely and blindly. Mostly blindly but hey, that's what it's supposed to be right?
discovering that Bombay will always be my first home.
learning who I really am, independent of being surrounded by friends or relationships. This is still a work in progress but I think we're down to the fine tuning, and not laying the foundation stones.
knowing I have a weakness for sandy hair and startingly blue eyes. I think it's the opposites attract theory.
becoming a bit of a big fish in the small pond of Franco-Indians things in Paris, instead of being a nameless face in the crowd.
having an incredible circle of girls around me, who keep me sane and give it to me straight.
learning not to give away my heart so easily.
knowing that no experience goes to waste.

Not too bad for 28 years of living, I would think?

Untitled

2011-06-27T10:12:00.000+02:00

So I just spent 5 minutes re-reading my last few posts and it's amazing how quickly I went from hopeful optimism to complete and utter negation of the fact. Lovely. Story of my life. If anyone knows a stable mature male with little to no ego issues, and lives in Paris, please feel free to make introductions.

Not very much to report other than Italy was absolutely amazing! I must find a rich man who owns a house on the Amalfi Coast and a yacht. I don't think anything less will do. I would move there just for the weather and Limoncello. I've managed to come back nice and brown and as is always the case with vacations, am loathing being behind the desk again.

The parents' visit is winding down. It's been surprisingly easy having them around. Thank god for self sufficiency and a spirit of adventure. If they had been your average Indian parents, refusing to budge from the known, it would have been difficult. I think they've actually discovered more Paris than I have and that's saying something. I may even miss them.

I really HAVE to get cracking on the apartment hunt now. I'm targetting the end of July for the move. Scratch the search for a man. If anyone knows of any apartment on rent, please let me know! A non-hole would be preferable.

That's all for now folks.

I told you

2011-06-01T18:11:00.000+02:00

I only write when my life is angst-ridden. Take away the constant second guessing and replace with contentment, I have nothing much to say. So the question is, keep the angst to keep the writing going or let it go for my peace of mind? Tough one, that.

But in the name of over sharing, here's what's happy about my life now. I'm leaving for a 2 week holiday to Italy in 2 days. Woohoo! It's my first time and I'm really looking forward to it. I just realized that this is my first real vacation since Greece. No, India is not a vacation detsination for me.

The parents are in town and exploring the nooks and corners of Paris. I think they rather like it. My mother stops every 2 seconds to realize that she is in Paris and the excitement starts all over again. It's rather cute. It's also really great because they now see me in my natural surroundings and are able to place me in the city. Goes a long way to establish that taking me away from here would be harmful to my health.

I have zero boy interest. And I sort of like it that way. Spanish is evolving into a hassle free friend, and I don't know about you, but I think everyone needs a hassle free male friend. The only other one I could call a friend here is way too whiny and high maintenance for me, most of the time. I sense a distancing of friendship coming up. And Internet fellow (mother set up) is really not inspiring any sort of emotion in me. We can chat for sure, but I have no pressing desire to see him or talk on the phone or take it forward in any manner really. I think it boils down to my wanting to be swept off my feet and that's not going to happen in this arrangement.

Oh I am also looking for an apartment. Whilst I love my present place, I'm not entirely bummed about this since it gives me the chance to do something new. However, it is my 4th apartment in 4 years. It would be nice to not move for a while.

So there you go. Angst free, hum drumness.

If hope springs eternal

2011-05-16T13:00:00.000+02:00

my spring is drying up.

You guessed it. I am done with the A story. I think that when the idea of seeing someone induces a feeling of certain dread, it isn't worth prolonging it. And after his lack of effort, I didn't think I owed him a whole conversation. Or anything really.

I'm starting to think this isn't going to happen for me. Time to start perusing advertisements for pets.

Perfect on paper

2011-05-12T17:08:00.000+02:00

does not always translate to real life. And don't I know it.

So I haven't really written because I have all these thoughts swirling around my brain and I'm attempting to make sense of them before I vomit them out here and lay bare to the world my total neurosis.

Fact, I don't like flowers and candy and other meaningless mush, because let's face it, that's what people do when they don't know you and need a grand gesture. But I do like romance. And romance to me is making an effort with the small things, like getting off the couch to hug me hello when I come home or suggesting that we get a meal together so we can spend time outside the domestic homestead. What I don't like is staying glued to the TV after a cursory 'hey, what's up', after not having seen me for 10 days, or sending me an email saying 'I'll be there by 7 pm, I hope there's food at your place.' That just makes me feel like my place is a conveniently placed guesthouse in Paris.

Fact, after you hit a certain age, you cannot beat around bush about being who you are with your parents. So when I get excuses like 'I eat meat but my parents don't know because they will disapprove' or 'I can't get you coffee powder because I'll have to explain it to my parents', it doesn't bode well. One, because at about the age of 30, one needs to stand up to one's parents. And two, if you can't have a frank conversation about who you are dating, who by the way hits all the markers for eligibility even within the community, it's a worrying thought.

Fact, sex, and good sex at that, is important. Passion is important. If all that is missing from the get go, it can't be rectified. And I for one am not in this for imparting training sessions to anyone. Either you know what you're doing or you don't. There is no in between.

Fact, when I find myself not looking forward AT ALL to seeing the person and am instead fantasizing about someone else, it's a clear indication that if this person has not managed to retain my interest in a mere month, this has little hope for the future.

Fact, I'm a coward and detest having 'this is not working' conversations. However, I think that breaking something off over the phone is equally detestable. So I am going to have to be a big girl and face the fact that the difficult conversation has to be had this weekend. If my gut instinct is screaming for me to get out so quickly, I have to listen to it.

Fact, once again, I have picked a winner.

Set in my ways

2011-04-20T10:59:00.001+02:00

So things have progressed rather swimmingly over the past 2 weeks. And whilst it's a good thing and I SHOULD NOT be over thinking this, I wouldn't be myself if I didn't.

The man, let's call him A, because I'm imaginative like that, spent the weekend at home with me and I think we had a good time being very domestic - I cooked, we watched a movie, took naps, it was really the kind of stuff I imagined I would do if I ever found the person I'd been looking for. And it was all fine till he returned on Monday night. Suddenly, as he walked into the apartment and asked me how my day was, it was a relationshippy moment and it was all I could do to not hyperventilate.

I haven't had to share my space, personal or physical, with anyone for a really long time. And I am not used to having someone underfoot all the time. Yes, he cleans up after himself and seems well trained enough to wash the dishes and offer to help without being asked. But am I happy with that? No. I have to focus on his leaving the bath totally wet after a shower (honestly, is it THAT difficult to leave things the way they were found?) or insisting on watching an episode of the Office first thing in the morning, which is perfectly reasonable since I was getting ready for work. But I am used to doing things my way and I am terrified that I am now so inflexible about who I am that I'm going to self destruct before this even gets any place.

The man is coming back on Friday evening to spend the night before I take off for Brittany with Poulette and wants to even take a weekend trip with me so I can meet his friends. He's all in! And here I am feeling annoyed by having someone around.

I need to get my head checked.

What I want is

2011-04-12T09:54:00.000+02:00

a man who is not afraid to text first, even to say silly things, to show he's thinking of me.

a man who is not hesitant to make plans in advance to ensure that he can work around my schedule.

a man who is not scared to say he'd like to spend time with me, and only me.

It's about frikkin' time, I think. To be continued.

Brown is best

2011-04-04T16:55:00.000+02:00

At this point, this blog is essentially an act of me talking to myself but hey, it gives me clarity on the mess that is my thought process so why not?

So quick update on the life aspect of things. Italian - given the boot. Quite simply because he had the maturity of a gerbil and we all know how much I like those types. Also, and I'm sorry to sound uppity but one can't help these things, he just wasn't good enough. Sure, he had some smarts but overall there was nothing. No way I could sustain a conversation for longer than 5 minutes. So I disappeared to NYC and haven't bothered to contact him since. And he hasn't bothered either so I'm planning my classic let's-pretend-this-didn't-even-happen routine.

On the upside, and it's taken me a while to get here, I've come to the conclusion that I'm done with the whites and the novelty value with which they regard me. If they're not capable of looking beyond the skin tone and the mysticism of India, it's not my problem. Brown people are a lot easier to deal with since the background and the heritage are at a basic common ground. From then on, it's about the personality. No wading through cultural differences, no endless explanations of what it means to be Tam Bram, none of that.

So that said, suffice to say I've given up my kicking, screaming protest of the arranged route. So yes, some emails have been exchanged and I even had coffee with a candidate (don't you love my clinical-ness about this?) in DC who was suffice to say not up to par ("India's just like so lame and I was just like I should go visit but I just couldn't give a f*ck." Not first date talk). But as they say, when you're not looking you find what you're looking for. That's all I'll say for the moment.

To be continued.

New York vs. Paris

2011-03-30T17:33:00.000+02:00

I think there are several blogs and academic papers on this subject. I think it primarily arises from the two cities being such enigmas to anyone who doesn't live there. But, fresh off my NYC trip, I'm here to pen my thoughts on the subject.

America is a wonderful place. Really. Everything is easy, everyone is generally overly nice and speaks English (it took me 2 days to come to terms with that since I'm now so used to thinking that being outside of Paris means another foreign language or some Indian language or the other), the country is rather idiot proof. However, with that come the idiots, the loud talking, the complete and utter lack of grammar, and just about everything being super-sized. I don't think I was ever aware of how materialistic the place actually is till I went there this time. And I don't know if it's maturity or the fact that I've been in Europe a while now or both, but I just did not see what makes the place so shiny and attractive.

New York is great. It's high energy, everything is accessible and its neighbourhoods are vast and varied. Like any cosmopolitan city should be. But it's also very impersonal, and if you don't want to, you don't need to interact with anyone. Ever. In Paris, you're still mandated to bid someone good day or chit chat with your server at a resto or something. There is some sort of outside human contact, in some form. New York was completely lacking in that, which made the city just a lot colder (literally it was frikkin' 0 degrees for the most part of my time there. I missed all of winter in Paris and managed to catch the tail end of it during my ONE week of vacation. Murphy, you're a bastard). And I have always scoffed when the Parisians comment in a rather superior way on how commercial everything is in the US, but the point really went home this time. Everything IS so commercial. Not even your local bakery is stand alone - it's (chain culture)². I would probably never look down on it the way the French do, but I do understand it better now. I also felt like the city lacked charm. All the buildings were tall and yes, they have some amazing deco architecture but that's where it stops. It's all large and imposing and 100 stories or more high where people work like drones and to be honest, I'm not enamoured by it.

A large part of this trip was to see the city up close and personal, because every other time I've been there was for job interviews where I was running up and down 6th Ave. like a headless chicken. This time it was to soak the place in and see if I could see myself living there. And yes, honestly, I can. I've managed to make a pretty comfortable life for myself in France where I started with the massive disadvantage of not knowing the language. The US is easy to hack, especially since I've done it before. But whether I want to is a whole different thing. I just feel like I don't want to have to eke my life out in a hostile, tough, work environment. I don't want to go back to 80 hours work weeks where your weekends are a concept on paper. And I definitely do not want to deal with people who think the word "like" is an acceptable substitute for them not having thought out their sentences ("I was just like O-M-G, like it was just like totally weird, like they just like so don't get me and I'm just like I'm in like such a bad place right now." Honestly, WHO speaks like that? I had to endure 4 hours of that on the bus from NYC to DC). I missed the old world charm of Paris and just something that makes it feel like home for me. And it's so strange because I always imagined I would love to live in NYC.

So the verdict? If the opportunities are such that life takes me to the States, then fine. I'm not going to put up a kicking & screaming resistance to it. But it's definitely not the first on my list of priorities. And I know I'm getting entirely too comfortable here and I'm going to shake things up in while. But perhaps this side of the pond is a more desirable option.

A lack of feeling

2011-03-16T10:20:00.000+01:00

I know, I'm not even a real blogger anymore. What can I say? I'm growed up.

So the news is going mad with the world happenings lately. Revolutions in the Middle East, Japan's natural disaster, Charlie Sheen. I've been reading a fair bit about this stuff and while I am concerned on an academic level, I find myself unmoved on a personal level. The revolutions are not something I relate to so I suppose that's par for the course. But Japan with its earthquake and tsunami and general chaos should be something that touches me on a personal level since I've actually been through that. But no. I'm strangely apathetic and I'm starting to wonder why. I'll never be one of those people who posts status messages like 'my prayers are with our friends in ABC country,' but I should definitely have some concern, no?

I don't know if this is just an evolution of my shell, where I find myself disassociated with most things, because it's just easier to not feel. Or is it ok because I personally know no one who has been affected by this stuff? Someone please reassure me and tell me this isn't the beginning of something larger.

M, the naive

2011-02-25T10:52:00.000+01:00

Or M, the stupid, or M, the eternal optimist. Take your pick. They're all equally applicable. At this stage, the Italian has transitioned from 'hey, he may actually be human' to 'hey, I'm such a fool for believing anything he said.' Oo, I have another one. M, the one who NEVER learns her lesson. For all this stupidity, I deserve to be married off through the arranged route. Lord knows I'm incapable of making rational decisions, left to myself. Bring on the Silicon Valley computer geeks.

Game won

2011-02-18T12:08:00.001+01:00

This does work. Italian blinked first. Usual excuses of being so very busy with work during the week, which shall be tolerated for not much longer, but a plan has been made. You know the best part of this? I'm not even that into him.

Update: It was a very successful evening. And yes, the joke's on me as always. Who volunteers to be my brain in the stupidity that's sure to follow now?

Playing the game

2011-02-16T17:10:00.000+01:00

So that Italian fund manager? Sent me 3 messages in the space of a week (unprecedented). Once right after we met for drinks, once the night before I left for India and once while I was in India. Then I think he was told by his male friends that he was being too keen and to now play it cool. Ergo, no messages since then. He knew that I was back in the city as of last weekend and yes, it's only been 3 days since then, but there has been no news and given the precedent he's set for himself, it strikes me as strange.

What's annoying me is that, clearly, this game is working because I'm checking my FB and phone and wondering why there isn't any news. Now as much as I abhor these mind games, I will be damned if I make the first move. I've managed to maintain the diva air so far. I am not about to crumble now.

However, if there is no blinking by the end of this week, I move on.

Face palm moment

2011-02-13T18:52:00.001+01:00

So, some friends and I went out last night, in an effort to shake off the growing inertia that we're becoming victim to, and decided that we would be encouraged to make more of an effort if we went for an actual event. Off we went to La Bellevilloise, a club/bar/plug in appropriate description, in hopes of catching a live band. Reminded me so much of Bangalore venues. Once we were in and negotiating our way to the bar, I recognized a face I had hoped I would never run into. The French Fool. He was there on what looked like a date and true to form, I panicked because the last time we had communicated, I was less than polite. I was hoping to escape exchanging pleasantries. However, it was not to be. I mistakenly caught his eye and what proceeded were very awkward 5 minutes where banalities like jobs and things were discussed. After he walked back to his date, I once again marveled at what I was thinking, given his general dullness and lack of height. Yes, I'm shallow.

I had another of those moments earlier in the day when I read the latest post from Wine Guy, where my jaw literally dropped open at his ill thought out and written post, followed by various justifications on why he felt the need to write something very non-funny. His ass-ness, which I was earlier blind to, came out in flying colours.

Valentine's Day approaches and for the third year running, I celebrate my freedom - from bad relationships, from loser men, to be completely and utterly happy in my own company. That's what it all boils down to ultimately, right?

What is the height of multi-culturalism?

2011-01-30T22:53:00.000+01:00

Befriending an Italian fund manager, speaking in French at a Spanish tapas place, talking about infrastructure investments in Africa and travelling in South America. We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

M grows up

2011-01-26T12:21:00.000+01:00

In what I have concluded to be the beginning of my nesting instincts, I find myself quickly bookmarking easy, cooking recipes for future reference. No joke. My Chrome bookmarks's tab is littered with brownie recipes, stir fry shrimp and even a recipe conversion chart for those damn sites that don't give measurements in cups and spoons (because that's all I have at home). I'm also gravitating towards having nice, peaceful dinners at home with friends, with long conversations and an easy bottle of wine. Not with an aim to get drunk, but just because we enjoy the whole process of being relaxed and not having to get all dressed up to be presentable to Parisian restos.

If my 16 year old self could see me now I think she'd be rather horrified.

Tough parenting and other hyperbole

2011-01-18T18:49:00.000+01:00

So Amy Chua is just everywhere on the news these days. And I suppose for good reason too. Her views on the 'right' parenting style have been rocking international waters and brought her under severe scrutiny. I, personally, find her brand of tough love a little extreme but as any kid from an Indian household will tell you, she's only a magnified form of what we've all grown up with, to some extent or another. Sure, my parents didn't call me garbage for not getting straight As but they played the whole 'we know you're capable of so much more' guilt card, which gave me very little choice either ways.

There have been several follow up articles on the initial Chua furor and one recent NYT article, in a scathing commentary, noted that whilst her kids are probably able to play the piano to perfection, by not allowing her kids to attend slumber parties and out of town trips, she's hindering an essential part of their education - social adjustment. And I have to say, I agree.

I'm not saying coddle the child and give it all the free will it demands. Lord knows, my relatives who are living embodiments of that school of thought need to be sat down and taught a few things about being human. But learning how to live and interact with other people is an essential part of growing up and one that cannot be learnt by being forced to do homework all evening long or practicing a solo instrument in the confines of one's home. We all know adults who are socially awkward and we privately comment on how we believe they became that way. Be it too much schooling or not enough exposure to the world. Whatever be the reason, isn't just as much a parenting duty to ensure that the child has all the tools it needs to deal with the real world, not just a knowledge of multiplication tables? Yes, it is important to achieve one's potential and a good education could aide that to some extent. But that's not all.

Speaking from personal experience, I thank the gods that my parents had the sense to put me in a co-educational school my entire primary life because I didn't graduate being uncomfortable and giggly around boys, something that afflicts many a girls-only schooled friends I know and vice versa. Yes, I did my homework and got good grades but my parents also ensured I was out playing with other kids for at least some part of my evening, which, honestly, was the only thing that even prompted me to have friends. I would have been just as happy sitting in my room reading a book.

Being a parent is an enormous responsibility and I suppose you can only hope that you're getting it right somewhere along the way. But there is a lot more to life than textbook perfection.

Why I'm a genius

2011-01-16T10:44:00.000+01:00

After months of grappling with my wifi issues at home, I finally solved it! Nothing 4 hours of single mindedly surfing the Internet in hopes of answers couldn't solve. And not being afraid to get my hands dirty rewiring things. Just call me the computer whisperer.

Loose ends

2011-01-13T13:39:00.000+01:00

So I'm coming to the conclusion that I no longer need to blog. It started off as a need to express myself, vent my anger at perceived injustices and generally make my presence felt in this world. A lot of that stemmed from feeling like parts of myself had gotten lost along the way and I was invisible to everyone. Other parts fantasized that I was actually a writer in disguise, more because of my complete misery with my job back in Bombay. Of course, now I know better. Call it growing up, call it coming to terms with who I am or simply a total lack of things to talk about, but I feel my interest in this experiment waning. Maybe this is what happens when discontent goes away?

Happy 2011

2010-12-31T14:35:00.000+01:00

Happy new year all! I haven't bothered with the stock taking and all that. It's all a rather self indulgent exercise anyways and pretty much pointless in my case. I will do what I do best. Wander along till I find what I'm looking for.

So here's to 2011! Something in me says it's going to be epic!

How to spot a liar

2010-12-13T18:21:00.000+01:00

This is not really work angst but staple fibs from what I call the Great Book of Partner Lies. Since I have never worked in general business, if you think this is standard managerial behaviour, do weigh in. It would interesting to see if, after a certain level of responsibility in someone's career, they all start behaving the same.

I was travelling = I saw your email and decided to respond later. Now 6 months have passed and you've sent me 10 reminders and that's the only reason I'm getting back to you.

I was in a call = I saw the caller ID flashing, thought it was too much of a nuisance to pick up and talk you through what I believe to be elemental principles that any 5 year old should understand and decided to cut the call.

I'm just stepping into a meeting = I really don't want to talk to you. Hopefully, you would have forgotten about this in a few hours' time.

This conference call connection is really terrible = I zoned out in the middle of your sentence and when you asked me a question, I needed to refer to the notes made by my able associate, jotting down words like a stenographer.

I have a meeting in town = I'm skipping out of work early and instead of just letting you know that, I'm lying about it so that you think I'm dedicated to my work even though you and I both know otherwise.

If at any time you haven't been exposed to any of the above, I wouldn't consider it a true law firm experience.

It's not you, it's me

2010-12-10T18:12:00.000+01:00

Yes, I'm back to the popular choice of discussions the world over. Relationships, or the lack of them.

A friend of mine that I met recently during my travels at home regaled me with her stories of failed relationships. Of course, I had several to reciprocate with, and at the end of what I can only call an intensive, mutual therapy session, we stumbled on what we believe to be the answer.

We all have a tendency to think that there is something wrong with us because clearly when other people have no problem in finding someone to happily settle down with, we must be the problematic element. We've all had moments of 'Oh I'm going to be the one to change this man. I'll be the reason he gives up his annoying ways and I will be the one who turns him into the person I know he can be.' And when that doesn't happen, we put it down to 'I wasn't the right person.' Yes, I've done it and you know you have too. But guess what? In addition to us being under some sad delusion that we have any power to change anyone, it's not about you or me or anyone else being the right person. It's about that person being in the right place and then whoever they are with at the time will be the right person for them. And I have ample empirical evidence to prove this. You know all those moments when you see someone married to a person you didn't think fit them, compared to all the people that he/she's dated before where it was all sparks and excitement? That's because whoever they were with at the time that they were willing to give up their single ways was the person they decided to stay with. Sure, it may not work out. But for that moment, it's right for them. So, it's not about not finding someone. It's about being at the right place at the right time.

So this very same friend, who's admittedly battle scarred, has now reached that place. Consequently, the way she now perceives people is different. A man that she would have earlier dismissed as boring and mundane is currently being viewed as stable and nice. Sure, certain basic prerequisites have to be fullfilled like the ability to make conversation and being a fundamentally decent human being. But all those lofty ideals of must be able to discuss world politics at the dinner table and be an over achiever and all those good things have now been discarded. And this interests me a lot because I'm the same girl, only not quite there yet. I don't know if I'll discard all the requirements on my checklist but I do hope that I will acquire the ability to move past the shallow, because let's face it, it has not worked yet.

An over cynical perspective? Yes, perhaps. But there is no prince or castle or white horse. There is reality and people are who they are. You just need to learn to work the system, like everyone else.

And the moral of the story is...

2010-12-09T12:51:00.000+01:00

Nearly everyone I know has grown up reading, or being read to, fables and bedtime stories of all manners, from Greek not-quite-tragedies to fairy tales. And the moral of the stories have always been along the lines of good triumphs over evil, patience is a virtue, etc. So being the fan that I am of all things fantastic, I recently bought the Tales of Beedle the Bard (I have the whole HP collection and seen all the movies. Are we really surprised?) and there were a couple of lines in the forward that struck me: the tales in the book depict the female characters as more proactive, setting out to get what they want, as opposed to 'Muggle' fairytales where the princess waits in a castle for her knight to save her. And until I read that, it hadn't really struck me how true that was.

The female protagonist in most of these beloved stories is someone waiting for someone else to give her the answers. So Cinderella waits for her fairy godmother, Sleeping Beauty needs to be woken up by her prince, Rapunzel waits in the tower till whathisname comes along, Snow White needs the dwarves to save her everytime, and so on. Sure, you will find the odd story where the heroine goes out and does something on her own like Hansel and Gretel, where they bake the witch. But by and large, stories that center around a girl feature her wringing her hands and dreamily staring off into the distance and singing songs about how she's waiting.

Not quite the image you want kids growing up with. Not me anyways.

Plugging the leaks

2010-12-06T17:49:00.000+01:00

You can't come across any news these days that doesn't talk about WikiLeaks. There's practically a hit out on Assange these days and you have to wonder whether such transparency is a good thing.

I'm not a big fan of the whole skulls and bones kind of intelligence that we have come to be familiar with. Intelligence units cannot be let losose to run countries that they do not belong to. Case in point the CIA and the world at large. But at the same time, they are called intelligence units for a reason. They are meant to have infromation that is not freely available to the public so that they can presumably take preemptive action, if necesary. I know, I'm over simplifying. But you get the general drift.

So given all this, is it really such a great idea to make available to the people the list of world infrastructure that are vital to the US? Like Foreign Policy magazine has called it, it is a veritable Christmas wish list for the terrorists of the world. Should something untoward result from all this information, will the people responsible for making all this available for public consumption be held responsible? Isn't it along the same lines are responsible journalism?

My thoughts on this are a work in progress. What is your take?

Just call me the Career Whisperer

2010-12-03T12:34:00.000+01:00

Right, so, the world and it's mother-in-law has decided that I'm the best person to go to for career advice. Sure, it's flattering and all, but guess what? I have a day job too. And it involves my staring at the screen for a sufficient period of time, without my voluntarily taking on doing someone else's donkey work.

You know what shocks me about this? I don't even get a preliminary email anymore from people saying 'Would you mind helping me with something', etc. It's a straight message saying 'Please find attached. Need your guidance.' And a 'thank you' or 'how can I repay you for this mind numbing work I've dumped on you' is just not to be expected. A career crisis is apparently where good manners go to die.

And you know what? Like a fool, I've actually made the effort to be helpful. For God only knows what reason, I am actually good at this. I know what to say to make people think and prioritize what they want to do. I'm all about tough love when it comes to poorly drafted resumes and cover letters (any half witted monkey can do this work but apparently it takes a third person to tell someone that resumes CANNOT have full sentences). So I have a very good record with people who've sought my advice on admissions essays, resumes for jobs, interview prep, all that good stuff. Then, of course, the randoms of the world started emailing me and asking me for advice. To avoid feeling like I've been taken for a total ride, as I am wont to do when I feel like I've been used, I've now started laying down the terms of engagement. Sure, I'll spend 3 hours crossing their T's and dotting their I's on their poor excuses of writing but in return I expect at least a meal. And I have no qualms asking for it. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Economics 101. So if people expect my help for nothing, they have another thing coming. And if they don't like it, then too damn bad for them.

Of course, all this has also led me to contemplate this as a business proposition. This law thing is a mug's game and if I am to finally do something that I'm good at, why not this? And make money out of it? Angel investor, anyone?

Techie problems

2010-12-02T16:18:00.000+01:00

Right, so I'm throwing this out there. I need your opinion on two things (especially you techies from CA who faithfully read this. Make yourselves useful):

Should I junk my Nokia once and for all and just stick with the office issued BB? The pros being that the Nokia has been causing me endless problems these days and I would have to pay one less bill a month, since the office takes care of the BB. It also means carrying one less phone around. The cons being everyone I know has the Nokia number and I'd have to transition everyone to the BB number. Not a very big hassle but still. I'd also lose my 10 free downloads of music every month. Yes, I've gone all legit these days. Not to mention the fact that the Nokia is my personal phone, not given out to office people. Do I now want to blur those lines? It's certainly tempting given that I'll save some 50 euros every month, which can be put to better use. What do you say?

It's time for me to upgrade the laptop and while I've been a PC user forever, I'm ever so tempted to buy a Mac this time. One because I detest Windows and MS and all that it enatails with its cluncky products that occupy all sorts of space. Two because Macs are just so pretty. Right, even I couldn't say that without gagging a bit. Seriously, because Macs are just more powerful machines. Using a Unix based OS can have that effect on things. The major con being that it's a lot more expensive so when obsoletion comes knocking, will I want to spend the same or more money on keeping it up to date? Not sure. Have you any thoughts?

Obvious things

2010-12-01T17:37:00.000+01:00

Anyone who's read or watched the HP series will know the very evident link between the overall theme of extermination of mixed bloods in favour of pure bloods, and the Holaucast. I loved it when people turned around after watching HP7 and exclaimed in wonder 'Gosh, Voldemort is just like Hitler! Wait! I just got it!' Geniuses. All of them.
Wandering around in the freezing cold and snow without a cap or gloves or a scarf will lead to people being sick. Stop bringing it into the workplace and merrily spreading the misery! I should just kill Yoda for passing on his germs. My head feels like it's going to crack open. And no amount of steam inhalation or pain meds are making this go away. I'd like a head replacement please.
I just saw pictures of men that we knew from law school, from what looks like a bachelor party. The person who's put these up thought it fit to also load the pictures of these (now grossly overweight and shockingly badly aged) men dancing with Thai, ahem, entertainers and then tagged everyone in the pictures. Seriously? We all do questionable things and then record them for posterity. But to put it up for public display is plain stupid in my opinion. Blech!
While winter is wet and cold, I do love the holiday spirit it brings with it. I don't celebrate Christmas but nothing wrong with partaking of some of the cheer of the others and le vin chaud, no? Twinkly lights make everything prettier. Reminds me of the Diwali lights Alice and I had strung up at our place in Bombay a couple of years ago.

Something is still wrong with my wifi at home but I honestly can't be bothered to make it work at the moment. I'm back home in 2 weeks!

Lugging around a block of ice

2010-11-29T13:09:00.000+01:00

Oh wait! Those are my hands. No amount of sitting on them or sticking them under the hand dryer in the loo have inspired them to become warm.

Yes, I'm back in the land of the French and winter. I'm having a bit of trouble adjusting to being back. I think 3 weeks at home is just the right amount of time to make me want to stay there. 2 weeks I can do easily without any sense of loss when I come back to Paris. I wonder what is to happen to me when I'm gone over the month coming up now. Kill me for having these thoughts.

So what transpired at home? Oh so many things. The boss had dinner with the parents, which was a raving success. I knew it would be and they would enjoy each other's company because I see a lot of similarities between them. More than that, and while I may not exhibit or articulate it often, I am very proud of my parents for being the people they are - intelligent, well travelled and able to speak on pretty much anything under the sun. Add to that our experiences in the US and the evening was spent in exchanging stories about our various roadtrips. Clearly the boss also enjoyed their company too because he had to drag himself off afterwards. Of course, this high lasted a short while since I then had a blowout with the parents the following night and to tell you the truth, I have no idea why. I am starting to suspect I have inherited the dreadful bipolar disease and should probably get myself checked out the next time I'm home. I cannot be an ostrich about this and should face it early on to avoid other such self destructive moments.

Paris is friggin' freezing. No, really. It's -1 as we speak and the roofs of the buildings outside are covered in a thin layer of snow. I totally missed autumn. All 3 weeks of it. Ah, well. I'll always have next year, assuming I haven't thrown in my hat by that time and moved on to greener pastures (read as NYC). I need to get cracking on the 'next what' plan.

And yes, I made all manners of lofty declarations of blogging in French, which clearly amounted to null. But the good news is that I haven't lost too much of my French. Just a bit of vocab and cobwebs having settled on my French speaking part of the brain. Nothing a couple of days here shouldn't be able to sort out.

Till then mes amis, I shall attempt to reintegrate myself though my mind is still a thousand kilometers away and I'm sustaining myself through the cold with thoughts of home again in 3 weeks.

Overanalyzing?

2010-11-22T07:49:00.000+01:00

Again, quick thoughts because I just don't have the time to write more:

Delhi is not the new Bombay, Mem. Never. Bombay just has a vibe about it that cannot be replicated. That said, I also feel like I've outgrown Bombay to some extent. The people I know there, barring Ruma and Alice, just have not moved on with their lives. Which is fine for them but then don't complain about it. Either do something about a routine or shut up. Endless whining is not entertaining nor attractive and I have neither the patience nor the inclination to make comforting sounds anymore. I've voiced my opinions and that's all I have to say about that.
I know Bombay won't be the same for me the next time I visit because Alice will then be in France. Yeay for that but also sad for the endless hours we've spent meandering the roads of the city and shopping (what is with the winter wear that's overflowing in the shops there? It's like 30 degrees and humid!). Ah well. New chapters must be written. I'll get to stay in a hotel next time though. So more slippers for you Poulette.
The new Delhi airport is frikkin' outstanding! Sure, there are some teething troubles that need to be sorted out but well done GVK, I say. Not an easy feat to pull off I would imagine but it was about time we got a world class airport. Can't wait to see what they do with the other cities.
A theme that has been plaguing many a conversation here with girlfriends has been, given the fact that we're all seemingly attracted to men that are just not good for us or on the same page as us, should we (gulp!) compromise and go looking for the 'nice' guys? You know, the lot that we normally dismiss as being boring. It's a scary thought and of course, we all believe that we will, someday, find that someone who will fit the bill of everything we want. But really? I don't know anymore. I'm keeping an open mind on this one.
I have had it up to here (imagine hand hovering above head) with expat Paris blogs written by women that talk of nothing but their love lives. I know from experience that these are the blogs that get the most hits. But really? All the time? Surely there are other thoughts that wander through their brains?
I have been getting really funny messages from friends in various Indian cities about how lucky I am to be travelling through India on holidays. I, of course, promptly disabuse them of this notion. India is not a vacation destination for me. I can't imagine why that's the first obvious thing that pops into their minds. I'd rather use my vacation time more productively and see more of the world. And yes, I've seen a fair bit of my own country, courtesy having lived in every major Indian city and then some.

So I return to the French land at the end of this week and honestly, I can't wait to just escape within my apartment and get some peace and quiet. Too many people and too much talking lately. I need alone time.

Delhi Diaries

2010-11-11T12:56:00.000+01:00

I'm in Delhi on work and staying in the heart of town, very close to all the official buildings. I have never been a big fan of the city, primarily due to the aggressive population and general feeling that if I walk down the road by myself, I may never be seen again. Chalk it up to not so pleasant experiences of being followed by cars, with their lights switched off, down the road when I used to visit the city in my earlier avatar as a law student. When it comes down to it, I'm a Bombay girl through and through. But I have to admit, Delhi in it's post Commonwealth Games, prettified state is not bad at all. I had forgotten how impressive the architecture is and the general haze in the air as winter begins to set in. With some time on my hands this evening, I wandered about with my camera to try and capture some of the majestic monuments here. I don't think I did it justice but I tried. I also got propositioned (yes, you read that right) a few times and I love that I now have the ability to go all wide-eyed and say 'je ne parle pas anglais'. That seemed to confuse the creeps enough for me to make a hasty get away.

Delhi also carries a lifetime of memories for me. I spent 5 years of my life here as a child, learnt how to swim and ride a bike, learned to speak Hindi and began my love affair with music. We would have barbeques in our itty-bitty backyard in winter, keeping ourselves warm from the grill. In summer, my parents and I would pile onto my dad's scooter and go for our swimming lessons (my parents learned at the same time that I did) and then stop at India Gate for an orange bar and buy a balloon, which would promptly burst when we got home. We bought our first car here, our little blue Maruti 800 that lived with us for the next 10 years. Delhi was the last time that my father's side of the family were all together before what I like to call our Exodus.

Law school brought with it several trips to Delhi for internships and along with it a lot of time spent in the courts, eating really cheap food with friends, walking hand in hand with X in the gardens in some dream that we were going to be together forever and learning to carry a safety pin with me to poke animals of the male of the species when they got uncomfortably close on the public buses.

I've still never going to be completely at ease here. I just don't feel safe. But the city has its moments and for the moment, I'll try and live in them.

Everyone loves France

2010-11-10T03:58:00.000+01:00

So one of my closest friends is hopefully moving to France coming January. I couldn't be happier for her because she's really needed to have something good happen to her and I think this is going to be a fantastic opportunity. Plus, if she moves to the French campus of the business school she's been admitted to, she's only 40 minutes away and I can't wait to introduce her to my Paris life.

So yeay! Much happiness!

So much fodder for writing

2010-11-08T04:31:00.000+01:00

Just a few days at home and my brain's already brimming with things I'm dying to analyze. But since I don't really have the time at the moment, I'm going to stick to short bursts of observation:

The elder cousin is hereby declared non-family. We had to spend an excruciating 3 hours with her last week, in some attempt at being a family, but her complete lack of social graces just shocked me. The woman is rude and ungracious and I pity the poor fellow marrying her because he, by all rights, seems like a nice, decent man. It is astonishing how much havoc parents can wreak on their kids by not being the best parents they can be. Apparently there is some new study that has concluded that parenting can actually cause genetic changes in a child. My aunt and uncle should have known that before they embarked on bringing up this sad excuse of a human. I know, strong words, but what can I say? There is no love lost between us and I for one refuse to behave like we're even related. Siblings aren't formed by birth alone.
I find unidimensional people utterly boring. Being a person who reads all day long, I can only interact with other people who have opinions on things. Not the kind who only know what their work is about. I don't have to agree with what everyone has to say but have an opinion on something for crying out loud. This whole 'oh, I have too much work all day long to stop and read the newspaper for 5 minutes' is bullshit. Get some perspective. You can't stay cocooned in your little bubble in this age of information.
I am oscillating between being totally comfortable with being home and picking holes in this city I call home. For one, and there is no doubting this, it is a small town with aspirations of being a grown up city. So the infrastructure is not up to scratch even though we are touted as one of the 4 major metros in the country and the smallest amount of monsoon rains flood the city. It seemed to me that things were a lot better a few years ago, so I don't know if it's just the regular wear and tear that a city has to undergo or whether things are actually falling to pieces.
My mother has started, yet again, worrying about my chronic singleness. I am consoling myself with the fact that I leave in 2 days and therefore, don't need to put up with the onslaught of 'I am so worried' much longer. So smiling and counting to 20.

Alrighty, on that note, I'm off to work.

A bientôt Paris

2010-11-02T10:54:00.001+01:00

Starting tomorrow, I become a non-resident Parisian for the next 4 months. Oh, I'll keep coming back to the city but I will be spending half my time in India, for work amongst other things. And I have to say, this can't come at a better time.

The happenings over the last few months have just drained me of energy and good cheer. First, there was the incident of the non-committal wine guy (yes, I know, TMI and all that. But also, my blog, my rules). The levels of my own naivity astound me. It seems I never learn my lesson and end up making the same mistakes over and over again. Stupid M, stupid.

Then there was the coming out of various people and dealing with the newness of all of it. Not because it's strange, just that I haven't had any gay friends till now so it's a bit of a novelty in my life. And whilst it has very little to do with me directly, I find myself withdrawing from the general clingy nature of this person and becoming impatient with the constant 'daaarlings' and 'huggy-bears', because quite simply, I don't do cute. So before I snap and say something I can't take back, I need a break from it all.

Then there's some passive aggressive nonsense being displayed by someone whom I considered a close friend but apparently has some issues that she refuses to talk about. I don't do passive aggressive and stongely believe that if there's a problem, it has to be aired out. I am not a mind reader and will not know what's wrong unless someone tells me. But that said, I have made my overtures and there has been no reciprocation so suffice to say, I'm done. If she'd like to do something about the situation she is most welcome to. At this point, I care very little.

Add to that the general creeps who abound this city (that's all I'll say on this subject), the fact that I'm very much at the same place I started from last year and the feeling of jadedness that's setting in, I have a feeling of being perpetually exhausted. I need time off from the city and need to surround myself with the familiarity of family and home, before I can get back on my feet again. Hopefully, this time home will give me the boost of cheer I so desperately need.

Don't get me wrong Paris. I love you nonetheless. I just think we need a break.

Isolation

2010-10-30T11:39:00.000+02:00

My sense of personal space got violated last night. I am so livid that I have no words to express what I feel. Only that I feel completely alone.

Social networking

2010-10-27T18:15:00.001+02:00

I just finished watching The Social Network and read this piece yesterday in the New Yorker about Mark Zuckerberg. I had heard that he was a bit of a character, but the way he is portrayed in the movie gives special meaning to socially awkward. He is imminently dislikeable and I wonder if he's really as petty and petulant as the movie depicts him to be. That said, I'll also be the first to admit that I am an FB addict. It's the first thing I check when I wake up in the morning and the mobile app is installed on both my smart phones. It is my lifeline to everything and everything in it is a window to my life.

I have had several conversations with friends about what FB means to us and here's my take on it. If you are not my friend already, you won't be able to find me on FB. No amount of searches for my name will lead you to me. Believe me, I've verified this. Usually, I add people. However, if you have managed to find me, either through a common friend or some common group, it still doesn't mean you have a free pass to access everything about me. If you are one of the very few individuals who are not listed on Limited Profile, then yes, you can see what book I'm reading currently, where all I've travelled, the photographs I wish to share with the world and my inane musings out loud (you know, in addition to this blog because I need that much cyber space). If not, I'm just another face in your collection and maybe you can write me a message to say 'hi', but that's it.

I, also, am not a friend collector. If I'm not going to wish you for your birthday, I see little point in having you as an FB friend. I am friends only with people I actually want to stay in touch with and see what's going on with their lives or people I know who will be useful to me someday, the latter usually belonging to the Limited Profile category. Cold perhaps, but hey, that's life. The others are just blank noise in my opinion and I feel no remorse in periodically checking my friend list and deleting people I have simply no interest in. Doesn't matter if we studied in the same university for 5 years.

FB to me is an extension of my personality and just that I way I don't become friends with all and sundry in real life, I don't welcome intruders into my virtual life either. I am a willing participant in the social experiment that is FB but because it allows me to set the parameters of access, I will use that to my advantage. What annoys me is when people are on FB and then whine about lack of privacy. The privacy controls are all there. You just have to learn to use them wisely. If you don't then don't blame FB for randoms sending you 'fraandship' requests because you put a profile picture of yourself on the beach in a two piece.

Morever, FB is a business, like everything else in this world, and it is offering it's services for free. When you sign up and use the network, without paying a cent, you have very little right to then say 'oh, these corporate bastards are using all my info.' Well yes, of course they are. That's how they make money and continue to provide the networking platform for free. Did you think it works on some magical principle of charity where they want the world to be friends with each other? And whatever info there is, make no mistake, you gave it to them. In the click-wrap agreement that is their terms of use, which I'm sure none of us stopped to read, there must be a clause that basically says do what you will with my info.

So here's the thing, you walk into using FB with your eyes wide open. If you don't like what they do, don't use it. I have one friend still who stubbornly refuses to sign up on the site. And that's fine (other than the pain in the ass part of having to send her public links to my photo albums so she can keep up). But if you are, then learn to deal with everything that FB comes with, annoying ads and all. Every major internet company does the same thing and FB should not have to apologize for it just because you consider it some sort of virtual friend. The day it becomes a paid service, and believe you me, that day is coming, then yes, you are paying for a certain type of service and FB bloody well respect the terms of the agreement. Till then, don't be a hypocrite, just be a smart FB user.

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket...

2010-10-25T22:13:00.001+02:00

I lie on my couch, classical music on softly in the background, sipping hot cinnamon infused dark chocolate, wrapped in my couch blanket, diving into a new book and can see the moon hanging in the clear winter sky, sort of smiling down on me. As moments go, this one is near perfect.

Est-ce que les Français sont paresseux?

2010-10-21T15:45:00.000+02:00

À mon avis, non, mais ils sont comme les enfants, c'est sûr. Quand il y a quelques choses qu'ils n'aiment pas, ils font des grèves. C'est une réaction automatique. Et car ils ont le système socialiste, ils n'ont pas la peur de perdre ses travailles. Après la réforme, ils doivent travailler 2 ans en plus. Seulement 2 ans. Ce n'est pas une grande chose. Mais c'est la vie en France. Personnellement, je pense qu'ils réagissent de manière exagérer. Réveillez-moi quand ils grandissent.

Skin deep Indian?

2010-10-20T14:35:00.001+02:00

As Indians, there are a lot of things we imbibe as a part of ourselves. Things we take for granted. Our ability to speak more than 2 languages, the caste system that we've been saddled with, the capacity to adjust to different cultures because we have so many of our own, arranged marriages, and many more things. These are things I like to think make us an interesting breed.

However, unless you've stepped outside the country, I don't think any of us realize how alien we seem to the rest of the world. Words and concepts we bandy about with abandon don't resonate with the rest and every once in a while it's good to have that reality check. I've come to enjoy explaining these things to foreigners who haven't the faintest clue what it means to be a Tamil Brahmin (Tam Bram is the lingo) because it's also helped me understand better where I come from.

On the flip side however, I don't believe that I wear my Indian-ness on my sleeve. Yes, it's a huge part of who I am but that's not all. I hope that when people get to know me they see me, my face and my personality, and the fact that I'm Indian is secondary to that. So recently, when I was told, that I come from just too different a background to contemplate any sort of serious relationship, I have to admit I was more than taken aback. I didn't think that when people looked at me, their first reaction is 'oh that Indian there' but more like 'yes, that's M.' Of course different people have different perspectives but hopefully that's not the first and last thing people remember about me. Sure, when I tell stories, I have to do a little bit of explaining if there are inherently Indian concepts to it, but we're people just like everyone else with everyday issues and normal things that make up our lives. We're not all sitting around discussing development economics or Pakistan.

I just have to hope that it isn't my Indian-ness that provides the novelty value to people but myself.

Anniversaries and other things

2010-10-18T11:09:00.000+02:00

So today marks 2 things. One year and one day in Paris. Like I've been telling people, it hasn't been that long but it's a long time nonetheless. Up and downs all taken into account, it's been a fairly kickass year. Thank you Paris for being my home.

I also begin the 28th year of my life today. Like I've been telling people, in my opinion 27 is a random non-age. It's like turning 19 or 23. It doesn't mean anything. 26 is still cool because it's the year after 25. 28 makes you sound all grown up and mature. 27 is one of those ages you don't know what to do with. Sure, I'm that much closer to 30 but honestly, I'll start worrying about that when the time comes. So I've already put the day aside in my head and getting on with things that need doing. I'll head out for a drink with a friend afterwards but that's all I'm willing to do.

Silent readers

2010-10-15T17:37:00.000+02:00

It's that time again. Blog readers, come out, come out wherever you are.

Here's what I find interesting. "Qu'est-ce que tu a fait" seems to be an abnormally popular search string. And since I did manage to write a whole post in Franglais, people from all corners of the globe seem to hit on that through Google. Maybe if I continue to write in French, I'll sustain the interest of some of you?

You, the faithful reader from Kottayam, Kerala, how did you find me? You, the reader from Yale. I know you. How's the PhD going?

All in all, rather pleased with the variety of people I seem to be attracting. But like I've been saying for years now, use your powers of analysis and comment on things, just so I don't feel like I'm in a total void.

The itty-bitty world of Franco-Indians

2010-10-15T12:34:00.001+02:00

So, being the all open person that I am, sharing every little irrelevant detail of my life on this (not so) anonymous forum, I have a rather amusing story to share with you all.

You all know how my mother was (she still is except she actually has work to occupy her time now so the annoyance has been brought to a minimum) desperate for me to find a nice boy and settle down. So much so that I got signed up on these matrimonial websites? What resulted was random fools, situated in France, thinking they found a cash cow (please refrain from jokes about cows, Hinduism, my weight, etc.) and hoping to find an easy visa option. With all due respect, if a person with a half-brain read my profile, they'd know if I was in their league, which most of the time I'm not, being way out of it. So when people who have profiles that read "I am honest, caring human with wanting to find life partner" I am certainly going to not accept their "expression of interest." So in the course of this very strict filtering process, I have rejected many many hopefuls, thinking I'd never have to give it a second thought.

Last Friday evening, I had to attend an official dinner. Once we were seated and a round of introductions had been done, I noticed an Indian fellow at my table. Seemed alright, graduated from HEC a few years ago, works with Nissan now, the usual earnest NRI type that leaves India and wants to change everything about it. All fine. I thought he looked familiar and put it down to maybe having met him at a previous official thing. He started asking me questions about where I was from, where I studied, where I worked, etc., questions that were beyond the realm of what is normally asked at these events. Then halfway through the main course, I realized with a sickening sensation, that the reason his face looked familiar to me was because he was one of the hopefuls I had rejected on one of the shaadi sites. To say that the food turned into sawdust in my mouth is an understatement and I promptly lost my apetite. I think at some level he had made the connect too because his questions about my life were very particular. Mortifying is not the word for it. This is exactly why I protested to being put up for auction like chattel. But did my mother, so well meaning as she is, listen? No!

The aim of my up coming India trips are to convince her that this is a ridiculously bad idea and that my profiles should be deleted. Simply because the world of people in the Franco-Indian sphere is tiny and I'm bound to run into more fools like this and I just cannot have that. It ruins my credibility as a working professional, if nothing else. Mommy getting her daughter married off. Blech!

But please, laugh it up. Once the shock of it wore off, I found it hilarious too.

Pas de vacances

2010-10-13T17:51:00.000+02:00

Alors, vous connaissez que je serais en Inde pendant presque 2 mois cette année. Je n'étais pas contente avec cette décision de mon chef parce que je m'ai déménagé juste il y a 1 mois. Mais maintenant, je suis heureuse parce que je serais avec ma famille après un an. Pour moi, le problème est que je vais oublier tout mon français parce que en Inde je parle seulement anglais et un petit peu de hindi. Donc tout mon vocabulaire que j'ai appris ici va disparaître. Je vais essayer d'écrire chaque semaine en français, mais vous connaissez que je suis paresseuse quand je n'ai pas de motivation. On verra mon niveau de français après mon retour.

Big sister

2010-10-10T21:09:00.000+02:00

So I got an email from the elder cousin a few days back asking me when I'm getting married. You know, because our grandmother passing away wasn't important enough for her to message me but this rather, earth-shattering decision warrants a message. People and their priorities, I tell you. And the best part being, she followed that up with 'or is that a touchy subject?'. It's not a touchy subject because it's not a subject at all in my life right now.

Growing up, she was the only sibling I knew. On my dad's side, we're all only kids. It's would make for a fascinating sociological study given that we're Indian and all, known for breeding like rabbits. But such it was. We went to the same school in Delhi where she would pretend that she didn't know me but outside of it, she would be the over bearing older sister I didn't want. But then I was also timid and smaller than her and I thought she was oh so grown up and had many things to learn from her. How little I knew. She would constantly correct me on my pronunciation, forced me to read Oliver Twist in original Dickensian English when I was 7 and then quizzed me about it. She would lock me in the bathroom and I could, of course, never complain about it because that would land her in trouble and then she would hate me. Why I was so desperate for her approval escapes me. I used to hate going over to her place for 'sisterly' sleep overs because I knew she would be horrible to me. But I did it anyways and it was much later, after the family split off in different directions, that I finally told my parents that they couldn't force her company on me.

When I got into law school, she basically ridiculed it not realizing what it actually meant for me to do something I wanted. Like any good Indian, she thought it was because I wasn't smart enough to become an engineer or doctor. Then when she got married, for the first time, she endlessly quizzed me about X. I was 22 then. Hardly in a position to talk about marriage. Of course, she took all that back when her marriage tanked. That's what comes from marrying a man you know is a lying, cheating bastard and then hoping to change him.

Add to that, she treated Patti like complete crap, so much so that Patti gave up trying to reach out to her because she knew it was hopeless. I know it hurt her but she never let it show. She had me and the younger grandchild and she reconciled to that.

So after all that, where does she get off sending me older sister type messages? When am I getting married?! How about 'how's things? been a while' to begin with? Then we'll see if I'm willing to divulge details that she's not privileged to know.

Ma décision

2010-10-08T18:59:00.001+02:00

Et, pour progresser en mon français, je vais écrire une fois par semaine en français.

Vamp Mythology

2010-10-08T18:04:00.000+02:00

Anyone notice how there's this sudden fascination with all things vampire in American pop culture these days? It started with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which was by far the worst TV show I've had inflicted on me. Then came the whole Twilight series, where honestly the books are way better than the movies. Robert Pattinson's not all that pretty and can barely act. Really now. Then of course you have True Blood, which is just a little too much blood and gore for my taste, and then there's Vampire Diaries. Two TV shows, running concurrently, on the same theme.

Has corporate America run out of ideas (gasp!) that they actually need to unleash more blood suckers and people turning into furry non-animals at full moons on the unsuspecting masses? How much more can there be to say on this? What's interesting is that except for Buffy, all the vampires in every other series are all self loathing and apologetic about being that way. Whatever happened to being confident, evil incarnate beings, Interview with a Dracula or Van Helsing style?

And even more interesting is that in most of these series, the 'humans' discover the vamp like tendencies by resorting to Google (which apparently gives them their relevant hit on the first page. Not like the rest of us who need to sort through 3 pages at the very least to find something that's remotely relevant to what we're looking for). Is instinctive reaction no longer in existence in TV land anymore? You know, the general pale and creepy vibe that prompts not to engage with the fool in the metro who's leaning just a little to close to you?

Or is the very fact that I'm wondering about these pointless things the whole purpose of these shows? Nah, Americans aren't that intelligent.

Anti-social

2010-10-06T16:33:00.000+02:00

So I spent the weekend in Munich with my friends and whilst I had a great time, I have come to the conclusion that if I have to spend every waking moment of every day being chatty and sociable with people, I'm going to go batty.

Being an only child conditions you to being very comfortable with your solitude. The flip side of that being that we all need to be by ourselves every so often to zone out and do our own thing. The problem with weekend trips with friends is that you're expected to be together the whole time so when that itch to go off alone settles in, it's interpreted as being pissed off or anti-social.

To set the record straight, that's not the case at all. There are times that I just don't feel like talking (surprising, I know!) or listening to other people. I need quiet to just be. That's all. Doesn't mean I hate everyone or I'm depressed. Just means that my space is being encroached and I need to back off for a bit. Once I've had my break, I will bounce back. Like always. Or rather rejoin the group. It's all very tiring to be misinterpreted all the time so read this and save me some explaining time, OK?

Blah

2010-10-04T12:29:00.001+02:00

Yes, blah.

As I begin the countdown to my birthday, the inevitable depression that plagues me this time of year has started to set in. Year number 27 started off with a bang and all said and done, I know, objectively, that it has been a good year. But as always, I also realize that I'm completely alone, with not a soul in the world, other than my friends, who let's face it are just friends, who cares about me. One more birthday to be brought in realizing that I am no where closer to being the person I want to be and one more day to realize that I'm hurtling through my life without any real landmarks.

October 2010. When did this happen? How? Wasn't it just New Year's yesterday and the year started off in high hopes?

Bipolar mirror

2010-09-29T14:24:00.000+02:00

So I'm in a total, complete, crap mood today. Every little thing is annoying me. Not the least of which is my brain dead assistant who apparently has way better things to do than actually assist people. I have to resist the urge to beat her head in with my phone.

It could also be that I'm a loonie tune since I was flying high this weekend and now I want to punch a wall. Please God, tell me the family disease isn't being passed on. It's bad enough that I'm most likely to get cancer at some point in my life, leave alone having to deal with hormonal imbalances. Bloody genetic inbreeding.

*huffing and puffing*

When autumn leaves begin to fall

2010-09-26T19:51:00.001+02:00

Yes, I'm in a mood to wax eloquent. It's a blustery, cold day in this city of grey but I'm oddly upbeat.

Happiness to me is a weekend filled with retail therapy and buying things not necessary (I'm such a girl!), scrubbing down the house with my gloves snapped on, drawing myself a bath with candles and incense, reading a good book with a giant glass of wine and classic jazz playing in the background, a Harry Potter movie marathon (don't get me wrong, the books are still my first loves), talking to friends about everything and nothing, marveling at the contrast of grey and green from the cozy comfort of my couch, and just knowing that everything is going to be alright. And hugs don't hurt either.

Strange little things that make me smile

2010-09-23T11:53:00.001+02:00

Yoda is getting more comfortable with me these days. It's like the last of the barriers are down and he's finally being himself. And from what has resulted, I have to say it's nice to see him being comfortable around me. He did send me a YSL poem today though which essentially translates to "there is nothing more beautiful on a woman than a man's arms whom she loves, but for those who have not had the fortune of finding this, I am there." I teased him mercilessly about him being a giant ball of mush underneath that stiff, cynical exterior he likes to put up but I do appreciate the gesture. Of course, in typical fashion I'm also looking at him now going, 'Really? What was I thinking? He's so gay!'. Thank God that last vestige of me has been snuffed out completely.

My old flatmate sent me a hand written note yesterday, apologizing for not making it to the party. He's weirdly thoughtful and old fashioned, in a non-corny way (did I tell you he woke up early one morning to make me coffee because he knew I was sick and I had an early start to the day?), and I have to say, I like getting actual mail from people. Stamps and all. It's nice to know that manners and grace haven't completly died in this world.

On an invitation I received today it said Please RSVP, which literally means Please Please Respond. Sounds a little desperate and incomprehensible at the same time. It's like calling it The Le Restaurant (Yes, I just lifted that from Mickey Blue Eyes. I'm a Hugh Grant fan. Sue me). That said, if you had told me a year ago that I'd be in advanced classes of French, I would have laughed in your face. Life takes these little turns and you never know where you'll find yourself.

Happy House

2010-09-19T21:10:00.001+02:00

So I had my house warming last night. Seemed to be a reasonable success. Ended up heading out afterwards with Yoda and the Russophile, both of whom apparently had a little coming out. Russophile, not much of a surprise. CT and I treat him like our gay best friend anyways. But Yoda? Sort of fits his whole looking for 'something' thing. Maybe this is why he's still single? Did feel like a bit of a punch though but also makes my life so much easier to deal with.

Was a good opportunity for all my friends to meet each other with a little bit of an Indian flavour thrown in. So all in all a good night.

But of course, it wouldn't be me if I didn't have a meltdown in the middle of it all. Classic. When things are going well, self destruct. I will never learn. May as well resign myself to being alone. It is what it is.

Retail therapy

2010-09-13T11:40:00.000+02:00

Well, not exactly, but close. I went with my resident girlfriends in Paris au marché aux puces at Clignancourt yesterday, in attempts to locate pretty things to personlize my apartment. Now, the flea market is not some cheapy street market like place. It has actual antiques and prices to match. However, like any of us who have managed to navigate the markets of Asia, if you look around enough and rummage through some boxes, you can find some pretty nice deals. The only thing I really did want was some art and photography for my walls. Anything else I got would have been a bonus.

After about 6 hours there, wandering in the rain for a bit, then enjoying the bright sunshine with an hour long lunch to boot, I walked away with some fairly interesting stuff and my first piece of actual art. Not a painting in the classical sense (so not my style) but a caricature by this fellow called Sem. I walked past a little stall that had some originals and something about it appealed to me instantly. I took a careful look and decided to ponder over it a while. After some thought, I decided it's high time I started owning things worth keeping and decided to take the plunge. 5 minutes later I was the proud owner of an old peeping man with binoculars. It's perfect. In my eyes, anyways.

I'm going to wander back to the market every so often to see if something else catches my eye. There is much potential. Plus, I really feel like I'd like to start developing some sense of permanency in my life and if not the city, let me at least start with things.

Of barriers and other taboo subjects

2010-09-10T17:16:00.001+02:00

I had the most interesting conversation at lunch today with Yoda. He asked me if the search for a suitable boy had resulted in anything. I thought he was talking about my mother's eternal plotting to get me married off. So I launched into my 'oh yes, she wants me to meet ABC.' After I finished my diatribe for the day, he said 'no, I meant, have you met anyone interesting so far? You know, generally.' For a second, I was caught off guard because we NEVER EVER discuss personal lives. Like never. It's an unspoken pact to not allude to any history. Yes, you read that right. History.

After the initial 'whoa!', I figured now's the time to sort of throw in the fact that there is someone (what that someone is, is yet to be figured out). So I said that I was meeting people and stuff. Then decided to jump in both feet and mentioned that there is a sort of situation, but I'm not quite certain what it is. I know he was surprised. His 'oh, ok' cannot be mistaken. After his quick recovery, he did play the part of the concerned friend and probed for more information. At some point, after the interrogation was over, we wandered into a conversation about how we, as only kids, tend to have more barriers than the normal person, the instinct to flee, and a lot of other personal stuff. It was a surprisingly intimitate conversation, of the type we haven't had so far and we've discussed everything till now, Big Bang theory (the physics of it, not the TV show) included. In a weird way it was nice to be able to talk about this stuff as opposed to studiously avoid it, like we usually do. That's just tiring.

But I also wonder why all of a sudden he's bringing this up now. The nature of a lot of what he was saying seemed like it was meant to serve a purpose but I pretended to be deliberately thick and reacted in a way I would to any friend who confesses that he fears he will be alone forever. I should, someday, get down to the bottom of why is he alone. he's ridiculously accomplished by any standards. Barriers indeed.

I had to write it all down because I'm now feeling strangely conflicted. Till this afternoon I was totally clear. And now, the murkiness that dogged me the initial months of being here is back. Why can't it be simple, just this once?